Why am I missing my partner so much?

As normal as it is to yearn for your significant other when they're not around, there's a whole science behind missing your partner that you might not be aware of. Emotions are complicated and not always easy to understand. For instance, missing your partner when you're in a long distance relationship makes a ton of sense. But missing them after you just saw them, doesn't. While the latter may seem a little troubling, experts say it's completely normal. In fact, you have the chemicals in your brain to thank for that.

"The emotion of love changes the neurobiology of your brain," psychotherapist Puja Parikh, LCSW, tells Bustle. "Feel good neurotransmitters are released when you hug, kiss, have sex, and share intimate moments with your partner. You form a bond and you pair your partner with pleasure and happiness."

When you're bonded to someone, your brain releases chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. As Dr. Judy Ho, PhD, triple board-certified clinical neuropsychologist and co-host of The Doctors, tells Bustle, these are chemicals that not only make you feel good and help you to maintain a sense of wellbeing, they lead you to seek out the stimulus that gave you pleasure in the first place. In this case, the stimulus would be your partner.

"When you're separated from them, your brain will instinctually seek them out in order to obtain those rewards again," Ho says. Thus, you're left missing your partner until the next time you get to see them.

When Love Becomes Obsessive

A 2010 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, found that falling in love activates the brain in the same way doing cocaine does. "The withdrawal one might experience from a substance and the withdrawal one might experience from a separation are very similar to the brain," Ho says. "In some ways, you can even develop a craving for your partner over time, and it can affect your ability to function in daily activities."

For some, missing their partner can even become an obsession. According to Ho, a combination of social, personality, and biological factors all a play a role. For instance, some people are more predisposed towards obsessive thinking, while others have personality traits that cause them to think about the same things over and over again.

If you find yourself missing your partner in a way that's affecting your everyday routine, it's important to find strategies to deal with it in a healthy way.

How To Deal With Missing Your Partner

The feeling you get when you miss your partner means that your brain is seeking them out and typically your oxytocin and dopamine levels drop. As Tara L. Skubella, relationship expert and tantra coach with Earth Tantra, tells Bustle, "Physical touch, sexual and heartfelt connection increases these levels. If we aren't getting our natural happy chemical dosage, it's healthy to seek replacements."

There are many different ways to do this. For instance, Skubella suggests increasing the amount of touch you're experiencing throughout the day. Self-touch, getting a massage, hugging friends and family, and cuddling with your pets can be beneficial.

"Meditation, yoga, earthing, and breath work can also help release oxytocin and dopamine in healthy ways too," Skubella says. In fact, a 2013 study published in the Indian Journal of Psychiatry found that just one yoga session can help increase levels of oxytocin.

There's a whole science to love, and missing your partner is just one part of it. As long as you're dealing with your feelings in a healthy way, it doesn't matter if you miss your partner after not seeing them for five days or five hours. It's all completely normal.

Studies Referenced:

Ortigue, S., Bianchi-Demicheli, F., Patel, N., Frum, C., & Lewis, J.W. (2010) Neuroimaging of Love: fMRI Meta‐Analysis Evidence toward New Perspectives in Sexual Medicine. Journal of Sexual Medicine, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.01999.x

Gothe, N., Pontifex, M.B., Hillman, C., & McAuley, E. (2013) The acute effects of yoga on executive function. Indian Journal of Psychiatry, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22820158

Experts

Puja Parikh, LCSW, psychotherapist

Dr. Judy Ho, Ph. D., triple board-certified clinical neuropsychologist and author of Stop Self Sabotage

Tara L. Skubella, relationship expert, founder of Earth Tantra

Get expert help if you think you miss your boyfriend in an unhealthy way. Click here to chat online to someone right now.

We’ve all been there – things are going really well with our boyfriend, and we can’t stop thinking about them.

We love being with them, and wish we could spend all our time together. It’s romantic, and it’s cute.

But when does it become too much? 

If you’re starting to get anxious when you’re not with your boyfriend, or you intensely miss him as soon as he leaves your company, you might have formed an unhealthy attachment to him.

This is quite common, but it’s not very good for you or your relationship, and it could point to some underlying issues that you need to address.

What’s normal when it comes to missing your boyfriend?

Every relationship is different, so we can’t give you a definitive answer. The main thing to notice is how you feel when you’re not with your boyfriend.

It’s normal to feel a bit lonely after spending a lovely time with someone you really care about. It’s when you hit very severe lows or obsess over them in their absence that you might want to look a little bit deeper.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, it’s pretty standard to miss your boyfriend quite a bit of the time.

You might not have seen each other for a little while, or you might still be getting used to not living with them after spending a lot of time together before one of you moved.

Either way, it’s normal to think about your boyfriend throughout the day and miss them.

If you regularly see and chat to your boyfriend, however, it is slightly different. While it’s normal to still want to chat to them when you’re not with them, or send them a text about something funny that happened, it shouldn’t feel as though you need to talk to them at all times.

Let’s dig a bit deeper into your attachment.

Do I have an unhealthy attachment to my boyfriend?

We’ve put together a quick, non-exhaustive, list of some things to keep an eye out for:

1. You constantly check in with him.

It’s nice to send a good morning or good night text, but if you’re messaging your boyfriend obsessively during the day, it’s pretty likely that you have an unhealthy attachment to them.

2. You get upset when he doesn’t reply straight away.

We all want the guy we like to message us first, or reply to us quickly, but getting distressed when that doesn’t happen suggests we miss our boyfriend too much and it’s becoming unhealthy.

3. You obsessively check his online status, or Instagram stories, for updates.

We’ve all been there. When did they read our message, and why have they been online since but not replied?

With so much ‘access’ to people these days, it’s easy to feel entitled to someone’s attention all the time, but it isn’t healthy or realistic.

If you miss your boyfriend to the extent that you need to check in with them, or check up on them, several times during the day, you might want to pay attention to that.

4. You skip commitments with others in order to see him.

Doing this every so often is okay, but it isn’t healthy to bail on your plans because you miss your boyfriend so much that you need to see him again, especially after just seeing him.

5. You plan everything around seeing him.

If you plan your life around seeing your boyfriend, you’re missing out on so much other cool stuff!

It’s okay to prioritize your relationship sometimes, but it shouldn’t always be out of missing them or fear of not being around them.

In order to move toward a healthier relationship, you need to dig deeper into where these feelings are coming from. Here are some possible causes:

1. You’re insecure in the relationship.

If you think you have an unhealthy attachment to your boyfriend, it might be because you’re not feeling very confident in the relationship.

That might be because it’s early days and you’re not sure where you stand, or because they don’t explicitly tell you how much they want to be with you as often as you would like them to.

That means that you’re not quite sure where you stand and you feel quite anxious, which can make you miss them and want to be around them just to get that sense of security and to feel loved.

2. You’ve been cheated on in the past.

If you’ve had a partner let you down or betray you in the past, you might find that it’s hard to fully trust someone.

While that can manifest as you pushing them away, it can also present in you needing to be around them all the time.

That is partly due to trust, as you want to keep tabs on them, but it’s also because you then form very strong bonds with people that you do trust.

3. You’re lonely and he is your comfort.

If you are having a tough time or don’t have many close friends or family members around you, you might be turning to your boyfriend for 100% of your comfort and love.

Normally, this need would be filled by various people (including your partner), but, because you are expecting 100% of it from this one person, you’ve developed an unhealthy attachment to them and crave their company all the time.

4. You’re overwhelmed with love.

If you feel like you want to be with your boyfriend all the time and really miss him as soon as he’s gone, it might be because you love him so much!

This is common for people in their first relationship, or in the early days of dating someone where things feel so intense.

Your feelings can seem overwhelming at times, and you go through a phase of infatuation or borderline obsession as your feelings rapidly grow for your boyfriend.

This will normally die down over time and is manageable!

5. The relationship has shifted.

If you are used to seeing your boyfriend a lot and then drop down to seeing him less, it is normal to miss him a lot more.

When we’re used to spending a lot of time with someone, it’s normal to feel sad and miss them when they leave, as it feels like a big gap in our lives.

Going through a mini ‘grieving’ phase is normal, but it can become an issue if it lasts a long time or starts to negatively impact your well-being, or theirs.

How can I have a healthier relationship?

So, you’ve established that you probably do have an unhealthy attachment to your boyfriend, and you have a rough idea of the reasons why. What can you do to make things between you a little bit healthier?

1. Work on your love language.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and let him know what might make you feel more secure.

You can discover your love languages together! If you often feel lonely or really miss your boyfriend as soon as he’s left your company, you might need to hear him tell you how much he cares a little bit more often. Or it might help you if he shows how much he loves you through his actions.

Remember that he is not solely responsible for how you feel, so you can ask him to do these things but he is not required to totally change his personality for you.

If you let him know that a text in the day would make you feel so much calmer and more secure, he’ll be very likely to agree to it. He cares about you, after all, and it’s one small thing he can do to help.

2. Build up your life.

If you find that you miss your boyfriend all the time, it might be because you don’t have enough other stuff going on in your life!

We’ve all done it at some point – you meet someone great, so you start spending more time with them and, slowly, start spending less time at the gym, or with friends, or on your own just enjoying your downtime.

It’s natural to want to build a life with your partner, but don’t forget to keep some stuff for just yourself.

This means that you have other things that can make you feel happy, secure, and interesting.

The more you can get validation and affection from sources other than your boyfriend, the less reliant you’ll be on him and the less you will miss him – in a good way!

3. Identify the triggers for your feelings.

You might notice that certain things trigger these intense rushes of missing your boyfriend.

Maybe it happens more when you’re very stressed, or just after you’ve had a fight, or even after an amazing time together.

While it’s normal to have some fluctuations and peaks in the intensity of your emotions, it’s worth keeping an eye on what causes these feelings and whether or not they’re becoming a regular occurrence.

4. Restrict yourself.

Set some boundaries, such as not texting them until they’ve been gone for an hour, for example.

You could limit how many texts you send a day, just by a small amount at first otherwise you’ll feel awful!

By slowly limiting how much you message them, you’ll start to ease the part of your mind that obsesses over missing them.

Have a friend that you can text instead of your boyfriend sometimes – they’ll give you a boost, make you feel loved, and will help you hold back from missing your man.

Keep going with this practice and you will start to see some changes in the intensity of your feelings, as well as your actions.

5. Communicate your fears.

If you think your feelings about your boyfriend are getting a bit much, or they’re starting to negatively impact your mental health, talk to him about what’s going on.

It will be helpful for him to understand how you feel, and you can come to a solution that works for you both, as mentioned in the section on love languages.

Allow yourself to be open with your partner but do it nicely. Rather than saying “I’m scared you’re going to cheat on me just like my ex did,” you could try something like “I’m working on my trust issues because I love our relationship, do you think you could help by doing X?”

This is a way of letting him know you need some support, for the good of the relationship, without blaming him for your feelings or actions.

It’s normal to miss your boyfriend, and it can be a sign that you’re in a really great relationship and just want to make the most of it.

But if it starts to feel like your emotions are a bit out of control, or you’re becoming very depressed or anxious when you’re not with your boyfriend, you’re likely to be experiencing an unhealthy attachment.

Luckily, there are ways you can work on this issue – including seeking counseling or professional help. That’s not because there is anything ‘wrong’ with you, but simply because it could help you moderate your feelings in a way that is much more enjoyable for you!

Nobody wants to feel sick with worry or cry every time their partner leaves, and getting some insight into better coping strategies will boost your well-being, as well as your relationship.

Still not sure what to do about missing your boyfriend all the time? Chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out. Simply click here to chat.

You may also like:

• When Love Turns Into Unhealthy Emotional Attachment
• 17 Steps To Be Less Clingy And Needy In A Relationship
• How To Be Independent In A Relationship: 8 No Bullsh*t Tips!
• How To Be Emotionally Independent And Stop Relying On Others For Happiness
• 8 Things To Do When You Miss Someone So Much It Hurts
• 11 Reasons Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him (+ How To)
• 10 Ways To Stop Being Codependent In Your Relationship

What does it mean when you miss your partner so much?

What to do when you really miss your partner?

Is it normal to miss being in a relationship?

Does missing someone a lot mean you love them?