My wife wants me to cut off my family

Posted by1 year ago

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Ok so this all started because my sister in law[F39] hurt my wife's[ feelings after a long history of drama. I have tried to schedule a sit down with them but they're not ready so I just let it go for now. My wife is mad at my mom for hanging out with my sister in law after my SIL hurt her feelings and thinks my mom plays favorites with my brother and I with me being the lesser(I don't think so). So in all she thinks my family doesn't like her and they've tried to explain to her they do but she won't budge. I'll admit there have been a couple of times where I didn't defend her aggressively like she wanted to my family and I was wrong. I tried to speak to my mom or whoever about it they made thier case, I didn't argue and when my mom didn't feel like she was sorry(I understand her point too) I kinda gave up. So to she asked me to cut my family off who I'm very close to so that they'll respect her. Because she feels they'll come around and treat her with respect if I avoid them. After much contemplating I told my family(mom, dad, brother, etc) I won't be speaking to them for a while and we shouldn't be around each other. I'm very depressed about it but doing it for her. But NOW she wants me to completely block them. I won't do it and now I told her to go find some chump she can push around and stormed out of the house and she won't talk to me. I feel alone. I don't have my family, she has out son. And I don't have friends because a lot of them have been distant since we've been married. Any advice please help. [TL;DR]

Question: Hi, I am married from eight years and have two kids. We got married against everyone’s wishes and are still in love. Having said this, our relationship went through a rough patch for some time because my wife could not gel well with my parents and nobody in our family supported us. Two months back, she asked me for a divorce and after a discussion, she cooled down and apologised for her behaviour. But during all this, she spoke really ill about my parents and I am unable to forgive her for that. Now, she wants me to cut off all the ties with them. They do not even live with us and we hardly meet them. I don’t know how to handle this situation. –By Anonymous

Response by Ms. Zankhana Joshi: Strained relationship between your wife and parents can be a very difficult situation to be in, and it seems to be causing you some distress. Perhaps you feel caught between them. You are trying to heal your marital relationship on the one hand, and still wanting to remain connected with your parents on the other. While it is their conflict and misunderstanding and not yours, you will still remain the central part of this. Thus it is great that you are seeking help.

If after eight years of marriage something has stirred up to bring divorce into the scenario, you should further explore to understand the underlying emotions instead of getting upset and finding it hard to forgive the wife. The event may be insignificant or small, but it is often the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. So what has been piling up and remaining unresolved in your family dynamic might be causing this stressful situation.

You also mentioned that you married against everyone’s wishes and nobody supported you. At the core, acceptance and a sense of belonging is the basic human need. Is this lack of acceptance causing tension between them? But why is it difficult to deal with it, given that you do not live together? Just as you don’t chop off your finger if it forgets to scratch, similarly one doesn’t discard relationships because they get difficult to handle. One needs to recognize and respect those while remaining within limits.

I recommend you to express and share your concern with them; how this conflict makes you feel torn between all your important relationships. Most often the problems arise because of ego related issues, the need of preserving the culture or their own identity. Explain to your wife how the parents are a part of you, as they are connected through genetics, history, and complex psychological dynamics.

I would suggest working on building a bridge between your wife and your parents. Impositions don’t resolve conflict, but talking and sharing a meal in a non-conflicting environment can ease the anger or hurt that they may be carrying. Establish reasonable boundaries and ensure enough space is offered. Ensure they respect these limits and avoid excessive intrusion. In time, they can learn to let go off of their egos and accept each other’s differences. This will help them co-exist through occasions, festivals and other family events.

It is most often the expectations between the in-laws and wife that destroys the relationship. The relationship can have a chance to blossom and thrive if they learn to accept the differences. It will require you to hold your ground but with patience, kindness, gentleness, and respect. If they don’t fall in love with each other, they will still need to show respect and warm hospitality to co-exist.

In the end, it is going to be a journey from expectations to acceptance.

- Ms. Zankhana Joshi is a practicing counselling psychologist in Mumbai

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