Wife doesnt care about her appearance

I'm 31 years old, my wife is 27. We have been together for about 6 years now, married for 3 years. Not long after we got married it became apparent that she stopped caring about her appearance. She's gained a lot of weight, and her dress is sloppy. She will wear clothes that don't fit, not wear makeup, and just put her hair up instead of styling. I don't expect a trophy wife but some concern for her health and beauty I think is a reasonable request. It makes me cringe to see her drink milk while eating pizza. When i met her she was a svelt ballet dancer, now I'm no longer attracted to her physically. I weigh exactly the same as when we met, and for the most part look the same as well. Her behaviour is upbeat most of the time, and we get long well.

I've told her how i felt, not so much about her weight but about her appearance in general. I think she would have better chances at career mobility if she would dress for success. If she wears jeans that show her butt crack when she sits down, somehow i'm the jerk for pointing that out, even though people are pointing and laughing. I've offered to help in any way i can, this including exercise together, or share a healthy diet, so it's something we can experience as a couple. Money for new clothes is no problem. She just doesn't care. Aside from the weight gain, when she takes a few minutes to put on makeup, do her hair, and wear proper clothes, she looks great and I always make a note to compliment her.

Other than this we have a pretty great relationship, no major issues that can't be resolved. I'm just at my wit's end here, and there is nothing i can say or try to hint at that seems to make her consider my feelings enough to make a change. Any advice would be appreciated, thanks.

i gained weight and cared less about my looks after i got married.

maybe you can try to get her to start an outdoor activity with you. tennis is always fun and you get a good workout from it. maybe it will help her get fit and not seem so much like a workout. my parents would do pilates together.

Maybe you can take a walk with her in the evenings instead of watching TV to help her regain control over herself and her weight.
It would be good to encourage her with actions and not just words.
Other than that, you have to realize she is not a ballerina anymore and older and people do tend to gain some weight as they age. Especially women.

Why do you cringe when she drinks milk and eats pizza? Milk goes well with pizza and helps to neutralize the acids of the sauce.

Not the point, but you brought it up...

I think in general people stop looking their best after they get married because they have found someone that is comfortable with them the way that they are. I agree that getting out and doing things together (a walk after dinner?) would be helpful.

Not all women are the same... we are all hotwired differently. But I can tell you that if my husband ever told me that I really shouldn't wear a pair of jeans anymore, I would probably be a little offended at first, but then I would realize that he was right. If she is wearing clothes that look frumpy, don't fit, or whatever, she probably knows. Who doesn't?

It's unfortunate that if you say something it COULD end up in a fight. But maybe you should tell her and be honest with her. That doesn't mean anything is going to change, but at least you got it out there.

It's like my STBX's nose hair... It's amazing how fast it grows. I bought him a nose hair trimmer. I mentioned every couple of weeks that he should trim his nose hair. I mentioned that it doesn't look good.... Eventually I got so sick of looking at it that I didn't want to look at him at all. He didn't like me bringing it up, but I couldn't stand to look at it.

Just because we find someone who loves us and accepts us, doesn't mean that we should neglect ourselves...

Good luck - this is not an easy thing.

Think of the bright side ? A old song that goes: ''if you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife''

Exercise suggestions are good but that won't make her care.

I wonder why she doesn't care?

What does she say?

There are times I fall into a slump regarding my appearance. There usually isn't a specific reason. It's mostly because I have no reason to dress up and look nice. However, seeing other beautiful women usually gets me out of the slump and makes me want to start looking pretty again.

There are ways to try to get your wife out of her slumps. You have to be very tactful, though, because saying the wrong thing can just make her mad or upset and send her back the other way. Some suggestions:

* If she looks great one day, tell her again the next day how hot you thought she looked yesterday. And then tell her again the next week. And then the next month. "Honey, remember when you wore that short skirt and had on red lipstick and had your hair in curls? I loved how you looked that day." Follow that with some sly looks and groping.

* Buy her a gift certificate for a day at the spa that includes a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a hair cut and color.

* Don't ever suggest that she exercise. Instead say, "Hey, there's this place over at so-and-so hills that have great hiking trails. Will you come with me on Saturday? I don't want to do it by myself."

* Take her to a movie that stars a pretty actress that she admires.

For me, all the above would work. It's all in the approach. Good luck!

I think it is a sign of maturity to not be concerned about your appearance, and not care what others think. I also hope there is not an obvious reason why she is more comfortable with her unpampered look. Did she start a professional job? Do you guys have children? Is she busy with other priorities in her life? I hope that if you love each other, the outside appearance is not a number one concern.

Outward appearance can also be a very good sign as to how she's feeling inside so keep that in mind. I know when I feel like sh*it either mentally or physically that my physical appearance will definately tip you off to that.

Outward appearance can also be a very good sign as to how she's feeling inside so keep that in mind. I know when I feel like sh*it either mentally or physically that my physical appearance will definately tip you off to that.

my thoughts exactly. people with higher self esteem and those that are genuinley happy would probably be inclined to keep fit and care more about their appearence.

i too am concerned about certain aspects of my wifes appearance, mainly an area that others dont see

Thanks for the replies so far.

I will think about more healthy activities we can both share. She gets mad at me when I suggest we BOTH eat a salad or baked chicken instead of fried. Don't get me wrong, i'm no health nut. I eat plenty of fatty food but am willing to significantly reduce it to eat less and better with her. But she isn't willing to participate. I've asked if we could map out meals for a week that are healthier that we would be like. She would rather eat a hamburger and fries followed by a chocolate bar.

As for her weight gain, yes I realize weight gain is normal for both men and women when aging. It's also normal to adjust your lifestyle when you get older to compensate. I'm not talking about a few pounds here or there, she has probably gained 60 pounds or so in a few years. If that trend continues she will be morbidly obese and in serious health trouble before long.

We don't have kids. She doesn't cook, or clean. She comes home from work, watches TV and eats.

I think it is a sign of maturity to not be concerned about your appearance, and not care what others think.

I think this could be part of the problem. I also feel that appearance reflects on both parties in a couple. Just like behavior does. To be honest if she would be mindful of her dress, hair, and makeup, I would be happy with her weight as long as it isn't a health issue. I don't expect her to ever be her college weight again, but to at least give a damn about it.

It is very possible that she is depressed.
You shouldn't try to tell her what she should eat. Don't ever say "do you really need that ice cream cone", or whatever.

But you can offer to cook dinner and make something really healthy.

I think deep inside everyone cares a little about what they look like - I don't think it's a sign of maturity to let yourself go...

I know that when I wanted to lose some weight, and I knew my husband could use to lose a handful of pounds I told him I was going to join weight watchers and asked him if he would join with me to help support me because it would be easier if we were both on the plan... he didn't go for it, but he wasn't offended because I approached it that way.. Maybe you could try something like that?

Like - - Hey honey, I was going to try this new class at the gym. I'd love to have you do it with me.. I think it would be fun.

TV can suck you in.. maybe get DVR so tha tyou can record the shows she wants to watch so she can watch them later? I'll tell you that I use to be addicted to television and then I got rid of cable. My TV hasn't been on for the most part for months.
I'm bored - but I don't sit in front of the tv anymore...

Good luck - this isn't an easy thing. At some point, if you are honestly worried, you should simply tell her that you are worried about her and you don't want to lose her.

It sounds like your wife is going through a depression.

maybe she is feeling ugly....do you compliement her? My guess is she has low self asteem right now, do some investigating and find out what you can. Give her compliments! even if it is something small like "hey your hair looks really nice, did you do something different?" this will make her think that she naturally without even knowing it and is becoming more beautiful. Even a guy likes compliments...the other day I ot out of the shower and my wife says how do u keep your butt so nice....you don't do anything. That made me feel geat! anyway good luck

I don't believe that being comfortable with yourself means dressing like a slob. I agree that she is depressed or having some esteem issue right now.

Personally I believe that you should always take care of your appearance if you love yourself. I take care of mine unless I am sick, or lounging around the house on a Sunday.

I think people get married and think well I have him or her now so why bother trying to look good. Then the attraction leaves the relationship and trouble can lurk around the corner.

All you can do is try to talk to her about your feelings in a non judgmental manner then the rest is really up to her.

Good Luck!

Rhea is right about the fact that it may be her appeaance is mirroring her mood. The fact that you want her to look nice doesnt make you bad or mean, a lot of spouses have a need for an attractive spouse. Thing is there may be some needs of hers that you are not meeting. Ask her what they are. It could be she needs more domestic support, financial, emotional, companionship, sexual and on and on. Figure out what she needs/wants from you and fill the need. Let her know that she is beautiful but you like it when she is put together and you find it attractive and it makes you feel good to see her looking good. Some women feel that they aren't being paid attention to. If this is the case, you may be able to take her out more, pay more attention...she in turn may take better care of her appearance. Fill in with any need, whatever hers may be.

I gained a lot of weight after getting married. Not sure why. I was active and then became lazy. I had a back problem and this caused depression, which made me eat more, and its a vicious cycle. After I had my baby I looked at phots one day and was repulsed. So I went on a diet and have sticked to it for a year and lost 14 kg. I look better and feel great and my husband compliments a lot more now because I look so much better in jeans! I think depression has a lot to do with it. Could even be old baggage from years ago, or childhood stuff. Only she will know. The best you can do is encourage her. Walk the talk also. Weight issues are hard. But the sad part is the more she gains the harder it is to lose. Maybe suggest a dietician. Make sure the house is filled with healthy snacks and get rid of the carbs. Give her an incentive : if she loses 10 kg, you will give her ABC. She will be more motivated if there was a reward...

I guess I would ned more details of exactly what she is doing to not care about her appearance. If she is at home all day cleaning or working.... it's one thing and another thing if she is going to work in wrinkled clothing and not brushing her hair.

Does she have nice clothing?
Do you help her buy them? womens clothing can be sooooo expensive. Maybe you can give her money to get her hair and nails done and buy something new a few times a month.

ok, here is another question...

could she be keeping up a poor appearance to send you off the "trail", to make herself less desirable?

there are certain aspects of my wifes "appearance" that i am beginning to believe she purposely lets go so i wont want to....well.....you know. she knows what i prefer in that department and she is on the other end of the spectrum.

You said that you are no longer attracted to her. Does this mean that you don't initiate sex or tell her how beautiful she is, stuff like that. I mean, do you fake being attracted because you feel guilty?
Or does your lack of attraction not ever come up?