Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone is venting to you, and you’re unsure how to respond? Show
What’s the right thing to say? Should you let them continue talking? Should you try and fix the problem? Or should you just listen? Knowing how to react appropriately can be tricky, but there are ways to handle this conversation. According to experts, here are helpful ways to respond to someone venting: Validate their feelings
We all need patient ears to listen to our woes and agonies. Venting is a cathartic release. It’s a purging process where emotions are allowed to let out through:
Related: What Is an Emotion and How to Best Handle It? When someone is venting, we should let them share their stories. This gives them emotional well-being. People feel good about themselves when they vent their deepest:
The suppressed emotions get a chance to be revealed and processed for mental well-being. Venting is a process of freely expressing strong emotions, usually negative ones. The person gives voice to those emotions that are forceful. It’s a way to rationalize one’s worries and concerns, anger and frustration, doubts and fears. Remember that when someone vents at you, it means the person is already overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure. So they need someone to express their deepest feelings. Venting relieves stress, and the person feels lighter and relaxed after experiencing an emotional storm. If someone is venting to you, you may feel confused about how to respond to such situations. Pouring out is healthy for the person doing it but may not be for the other person on the receiving end. Here are a few tips that may help to respond in a healthy way to someone venting: Never criticize their feelings as it will make them feel guilty and more upsetWhen someone is venting, be an active listener. When you listen to the person, it comforts them and can soothe their mental agitation. Related: 50+ Reasons Why Listening Is Important Never criticize their feelings because it will make them feel guilty and more upset about their actions, and next time they may not come back to you for emotional support. Thus, validate their feelings as real even if you know they might be callous in certain ways. Ask questions about their feelingsAsk questions like:
A person venting out is looking for emotional support. Thus, asking a few follow-up questions to them means that you’re concerned about them and are eager to help them resolve their issues. Always put your patience mode “on”Enable them to tell you their deepest secrets or emotions that are concerning without getting irritated. Always put your patience mode “on” so they feel heard and accepted. Never be rude to them; otherwise, they feel hurt and not accepted. Shower compassion by allowing them to pour out their heart to youDo not give advice that may not be the need of the hour. At times, only compassionate hearing to mental agonies can actually heal deep scars and wounds. So for you, silence is the key. Sometimes sharing grief lessens the woes, and the person may be searching for just that. Follow a non-judgmental way of reactingYou need to handle things calmly and let them understand the real reason for their anger or annoyance. Avoid jump-in decisions and conclusions that can make them feel more annoyed. Help them take a pause and self-introspect about their feelings. You can also help them develop insight into their innermost issues and resolve them completely. In a way, you are helping them see the situation from all ends and develop a logical and rational outlook to manage their negative feelings in a better way. Avoid being in a solution-focused modeRecognize that people vent for various reasons, but it is almost never to get someone to fix their problems for them. Too often, an individual attempts to open up an emotion-laden topic just to feel disappointed and pushed away when their partner, friend, coworker, or parent attempts to simplify what they are saying to apply an easy solution. This happens because the well-intentioned listener wants to soothe the emotion and is unsure how to accomplish that. It is also common for them to feel helpless in the face of a long venting session and to experience difficulty coping with that emotion within their own bodies. The idea that they can apply a quick solution to make the “bad” feelings go away is an attractive option for many people…and who would blame them? Unfortunately, entering solution-focused mode when a person isn’t looking for that type of help is a quick and effective way of shutting down a person that is probably just (spoiler alert) trying to connect and be acknowledged. Cut down on the guess-work, interrupt, and ask what they need from youYes, this is actually a completely healthy and valid option. Asking might sound something like:
In my own experience as a couples’ therapist, most partners make assumptions about what one another needs and never take the time to ask questions about what might be most helpful. Asking for what a person is looking for as a result of their venting session is an important skill that can be used whenever needed. Ask everyone and everyone who dares to share their passionate versions of events. My prediction is that the “venting to connect folks” will far outweigh those that answer with “I’m desperately seeking your advice.” Make them feel their emotions and versions are validTaking solutions off the table does not leave you helpless. In fact, with the weight of needing to solve problems off of the listener’s shoulders, more options become available. If most people tend to vent to be heard, connect, and feel that their emotions and versions of the facts are valid, then those become the new goal. The answers are right there! Some seemingly interested, connected, and validating responses from the listener might include:
Body language might consist of simply:
Related: Why is Body Language Important? If confused along the way, the listener need not panic; they can recall the follow-up questions and convey interest. Clarifying questions might sound like:
The point is that the listener has many more options available to them than simply cutting to the chase, simplifying a person’s story, and hastily applying a solution that the listener likely already thought of on their own. No matter how tempting it is to help, don’t offer unless askedWe’ve all done it: vented about something or someone within earshot of someone else. Sometimes it feels like a relief to get some frustration off our chest, right? But what happens when you are on the receiving end? When someone is venting, it can feel like a personal attack, especially if they are stressed and in a heightened emotional state. It’s as if they are re-living the situation and angry at you, even though you are simply an innocent third party to whatever they are upset about. Whether it’s a:
who is venting, how you respond can either make things worse or allow the person to work through the situation on their own without feeling like they are in it alone. This distinction is key. The number one pitfall to avoid is offering advice. If you are solution-oriented, you’ll immediately feel as though you want to jump in and fix the venter’s problem for them. You might even believe you’ve got the best way to do it, too. You aren’t emotionally attached to the situation or the outcome, and answers seem so easy when it’s someone else’s life, right? Unless the person specifically asks you for advice, chances are very good that they just want someone to hold space for them and listen while they talk things out loud, to come up with their own solution. From their viewpoint, it can be very empowering to figure out a solution to a problem in front of someone else, especially if the listener supports the venter’s perspective (and proposed solution to their problem) in the end. Support doesn’t mean the listener needs to agree with everything being said, but that you are able to understand why the venter is so upset. The venter will feel validated and heard, even if you, the listener, didn’t say much. Not only that, as the listener, you will also have established rapport with the person who is venting. Because you didn’t get involved in trying to take sides or fix the scenario, and because you simply listened, those things build trust. Sometimes the less you say, the more people will trust and respect you. What if the person is venting about someone you care about?This is where things can get trickier. You might suddenly feel like you want to or need to take sides.
Here are some options to consider. You could:
What if the venter is always venting?You may, on occasion, run into someone who vents often. Maybe even every time you talk to them. They are habitual, chronic complainers and don’t seem to ever want to come up with any ideas to deal with all the many scenarios that cause them frustration and angst. Being in close or regular contact with someone who commonly vents about anything and everything will quickly drain your energy. It’s not your responsibility to be their listening ear or sounding board every time, so choose your engagement with them wisely. Silva Depanian, MA, LMFT, CAMC Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Certified Anger Management Counselor, Sessions with Silva It depends on what the venting individual seeks from the listenerTaking preliminary measures or setting initial boundaries when someone is venting to you can be very helpful in determining how to proceed during the vent. Related: How to Deal With Someone Who Doesn’t Respect Boundaries An important question to ask before the venting really starts going is whether the person just wants to be heard and validated or if they want opinions and advice at the end. This question is important because, often, people who are venting just want a sounding board, someone to listen to them and empathize with them so that they’re not feeling alone or overwhelmed from keeping all their emotions pent up. When this is the case, if you start responding with unsolicited opinions or problem-solving advice, the individual can quickly feel invalidated:
Conversely, if the person venting does ask for opinions and advice, you now know to:
Use “I” statementsIf this is the case, using “I” statements is essential so that any method you offer is easily perceived as a personal opinion—not a blaming, judging, right/wrong stance. For example, instead of starting your advice with a more judgmental, “You should have…” you can use an “I” statement such as, “The options I’m seeing are…” Shift the topic or even stop the discussion altogetherYou might eventually notice, however, that sometimes the person venting is going in circles despite any validation or advice you might have given. This can understandably become frustrating for you as the listener and upsetting to them as they keep spiraling through their negative experience. This is a sign that it might be time to shift the topic or even stop the discussion altogether, suggesting that the topic be picked up again later when the person has had time to emotionally separate a bit from their triggering situation. Of course, sitting through someone’s venting session takes time and emotional energy, which you might not always have available. Set an initial boundaryIf that is ever the case for you, setting an initial boundary can be very useful to show that, while you still care, you can’t be present for them at the moment. For example, this can look like: “I know you’ve had a rough situation, and I want to be there for you. I just don’t have the mental/emotional bandwidth to dedicate right now. Can we talk about this tomorrow so I can be fully present with you?” Bottom line: Responses to venting can vary and depend on what the venting individual seeks from the listener.
Lena Suarez-Angelino, LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Writer, Choosing Therapy Ask clarifying questions about what supporting them looks likeVenting happens for many reasons and among different types of relationships. Your response to someone venting can look different depending on a few of the following factors:
That last factor will be key in navigating a response while also looking after your own mental health. You can check in with yourself by asking:
After gauging your emotional capacity, here are a few ways that you may respond to someone venting: Responding to someone you’re close to and have the capacity to hold emotional space forThis is someone, whether a significant other, friend, work colleague, etc., that you consider to have a close relationship with. You may say things like:
You may also want to ask clarifying questions about what supporting them looks like. Someone coming to you strictly to vent isn’t necessarily looking to brainstorm possible solutions or hear other perspectives. It saves you and them the frustration and energy from clearing that up before venting. Responding to someone you’re close to but don’t have ample emotional space for at the momentAgain, this is someone that you consider to be close, and while you care what they are coming to vent to you about, right now, you just don’t have enough mental and emotional energy to do so. Instead of “grinning and bearing” it, you can try to say something along the lines of: “It sounds like this is really important to you. I can see that you’re upset by it and need someone to talk to. I want to support you, and I would love to be able to give you the time and space that you need to feel heard. Is it okay if we talk about this [suggest a time that may work better for you emotionally and even logistically]?” This may come as a surprise to them, as this is setting and establishing a boundary for yourself that you may not have done previously. Responding to someone that you’re not close with and have limited capacity to hold emotional space for themThis person may be someone you have a lot of complex history with, such as:
You may say something in-between the past two suggestions, such as: “I’d be happy to support you, but know I only have a few minutes right now.” You may also want to establish a boundary if there are off-limit topics that might come up. You could say something like: “I’m okay with you coming to share what’s upsetting you, but know that if you want to talk about [insert topic], you know that I really can’t support you the way that you need.” This helps prevent drama, gossip, and blurred boundaries both within family dynamics and workplace culture. It is a human tendency to interfere, counter, and justify own points in a conversation when someone is venting their heart out. Being a patient and a non-judgmental listener is the only logical thing to do. Besides giving them your undivided attention, a few satisfying replies could enhance their sharing experience. Highlight a word from their speech and ask them to elaborate moreMake sure they catch a breath and calm down a little after minutes of nonstop venting. Offer them some water without waiting for them to ask for a glass themselves. Once they take a quick water break, ask them more about their woes. Highlight a word from their speech and ask them to elaborate more on them. Example:
Empathize with the speaker by asking them if they are okayAcknowledge their troubles and let them know you feel for them. Empathize with the speaker by asking them if they are okay. A critical lecture is the last thing they need when seeking someone to confide in through venting. While you are playing the role of the listener, analyze the situation from their perspective. Don’t just be a mute listener; express your concern. Example:
Ask them if you can help improve the situation in any wayOffer to help. Show that you are there for them and could go to any length to stand by them If a person is venting, they’re not merely looking for a shoulder to cry on while lamenting their life. They need a mature listener who can genuinely feel for them and understand the reason behind their frustration. Ask them if you can help improve the situation in any way, even if you already know how to answer (most often, the answer is, “No, it’s okay. Thanks for asking, though. It means a lot”). Example:
A gentle assurance is a conventional but effective way to respondThough it might sound a little generic, a gentle assurance is a conventional but effective way to respond to a troubled soul who is desperately venting. Everyone knows that time changes. All they need is a confidant to tell them the same old truth with compassion and tenderness. Help them believe that everything will fall on track soon by sounding confident and optimistic. Example:
Avoid saying things like:
It will only worsen their mood and make you sound like an opinionated jerk who can’t be a decent friend in their time of need. You can share your wisdom in the form of advice once they are done venting and in a mental state to understand your rational points. When responding to someone who is venting, there are a few key questions to ask yourself:
Venting circumstances can vary:
The list goes on. And depending on the circumstances, you may welcome the venting session, or you might not. Determine how far you are willing to go in listening to their ventSo the first step is to determine how far you are willing to go in listening to their vent. If you have all the time in the world to listen, then let them speak freely. However, if their venting puts you in an awkward position, then it is best to clarify with them verbally on front, “are you coming to me as a friend or for a solution?” This will help to drive the rest of the exchange.
Is the person coming to you someone who is in a challenging situation that they need to get off their chest, or are they venting just to vent? The answer to this question can often drive how much we want to “be there” for the person venting.
Are they coming to you for solutions and ideas or just as an ear to listen? Knowing their intention will help you determine how best to be there for them. If you don’t know, ask. Don’t assume; clarify. Key questions to help manage a venting session:Once you are able to determine how involved you want to be with the venting session and what the person venting wants to gain, you can help direct the vent in a positive direction:
What not to say: There are a few phrases that will not help in any way and should be avoided at all costs:
Be direct and kindEven if you never want the venter to come to you again, statements like these not only damage relationships but also can be hurtful long-term to the person venting. If you truly do not want them to vent to you anymore, be direct and kind and let them know:
We all find ourselves in need of tactics to navigate a venting session.
will help to navigate the situation. Listening for the purpose of understanding is the most powerful “help”There are good rules for venting depending on what/who you’re venting about and to whom. With permission, it’s perfectly good and often helpful to vent to your partner about anything other than themselves or their family. If you need to vent anger, hurt, or unhappiness about your partner or your partner’s family (especially their children if you are a stepfamily), do it to a neutral party or in a journal or write a nasty letter that will then be destroyed. Related: How to Deal With a Stepchild That Is Difficult or Disrespectful The purpose of venting is to release the energy of anger, hurt or fear to enable one to come back to a more balanced state from which you can communicate respectfully and make a more rational decision. If a friend can remain neutral, then vent to a friend. Venting to a family member about your partner will almost always cause the family member to rise in your defense. They will remain unhappy with your partner even after settling the issue. It’s not a good practice for the long-run health of your relationship. Wait until they are calm before asking permission to offer a solution or a point of viewGiving advice without permission is always disrespectful and rarely welcomed, especially when upset enough to need to vent. While driving home one day, I was venting my frustration with something (not my partner.) He listened carefully, then asked, “Are you open to a suggestion?” I firmly answered, “No, not right now.” He very respectfully dropped the issue. The next day when I was more balanced, I went back to him to hear his advice. I was ready to listen to ideas by then. If you and your partner need to vent about each other, do so with a professional who, hopefully, can remain neutral and understand the role venting has in the process of healing a relationship. Just listening to understand the venter’s point of view and emotions is the most powerful “help” you can bring to the situation. Trying to be rational in the face of upset is wasted energy and often produces resentment. When someone is upset by hurt or anger, it is not the time to point out what seems like irrationality to you. That person’s feelings and position seem perfectly rational to them at the time of the upset. Wait until the venter’s feelings have calmed down before asking permission to offer a solution or a different point of view. For some, it feels great to get it out. For others, they cannot understand what would compel someone to share. But all of us, to some extent, have experienced what it’s like being on the receiving end of venting, and it can get pretty:
Here’s how to deal with someone who starts venting toward you: Determine where you’re at and make it clear to the person who’s ventingThis means you need to do some introspection, a gut check, or quick self-reflection to ensure that you’re capable of handling a conversation. If you determine you’re not, politely decline. There’s no shame in doing so, especially when you make it clear to the person venting that you’d like to hear them, and you need to collect yourself first. If you determine you can listen to them, move on to step two. Actively listen and respond to their process and not their contentThis means you respond more to the themes of what they are sharing than you are to their details. Responding to their details is only necessary for clarification and trying to understand what they mean genuinely. To do this step successfully, you do not include any judgment or solutions in your responses. You do include:
Follow the process of the person ventingCheck if there are any leftover thoughts and feelings, then seek closure. Once you’ve allowed the person to let out what was on their mind and body, they may:
Regardless of your response, you can always stick to this rule: When in doubt, name the process. This means you simply reflect on what they presented to you and wait silently for their response. Once they respond to your reflection, you can then verify if they need to continue venting or if they are ready to shift the conversation. Once you get that answer, you’ll know if you need to continue letting them vent or if you’ve shifted to solutions, feedback, or any other part of a conversation. Let them know you understand them and can see the world through their eyesI assume this is someone venting about an issue separate from the person they are venting to. In this instance, it would be helpful to consider techniques highlighted by Carl Rodgers—a psychologist that developed person-centered counseling. He proposed every relationship should have three core conditions. These are:
Utilize active listening skillsEmpathy is being able to understand the experiences of another person. If someone is venting and they feel you understand them, then it can have a calming effect on them. To show you understand them, utilizing active listening skills can be powerful. This means simply repeating to them what they have said. Let them know you understand them and can see the world through their eyes. You do not need to agree with the person ventingUnconditional positive regard is accepting the person venting as they are without judgment. You may have a different worldview from the person venting, which is okay. You do not need to agree with the person venting. They will have different:
It is, therefore, essential not to take the venting personally. Related: How to Not Take Things Personally Make a specific time when you are emotionally available for ventingIf you are the recipient of ongoing venting, then you must engage in good self-care practices. You might want to make a specific time where you are emotionally available for “venting” and can put a limit on it. For example, if the venter is your partner, then you can allocate 20 minutes for a “venting session.” You might want to vent as you walk together. Walking or exercise can be a way to release difficult or distressing emotions. Acknowledge their feelings and show empathyWhen someone’s venting, it’s important to preserve your time and energy. While lending an ear to a co-worker or friend certainly comes with the territory, it doesn’t mean you need to stay stuck in toxic vibes for minutes or even hours on end. Below are suggested responses to help you and the venter get to a better place:
The key here is you want to:
Say something that the venter will hear as “good-bad-good”The sh*t sandwich is a three-layered approach—say something that the venter will hear as good (bread), then bad (sh*t), and then good (bread), e.g.:
Use nonviolent communicationA wonderful four-step approach (Rosenberg’s NVC):
Use humor when appropriateThis is the area of my main expertise. There is a way of using humor to derail many venters and calm them down. This is the subject of our recently published book, “Almost Happy.” Suffice to say here that humor really works in these situations as long as you abide by the Golden Rule. Only use it when you have affection in the heart and a twinkle in the eye for the venter. Not always easy, but extremely effective when used with responsibility and kindness. Offer some small words of encouragement and understandingWhen someone is venting, it’s crucial to recognize that very little of what they say will be personal or about you. Even if someone is venting about things you’ve done or said, chances are there is a lot of other stuff that has been building up inside waiting for the release that has nothing to do with you. Realizing this can help us:
When people vent, they’ve reached a point where they can no longer contain their frustrations, worries, or anxieties. What they need most of all at that moment is a safe, non-judgmental space where they can be allowed to get everything off of their chest. You don’t need to be a counselor to simply sit, listen and offer some small words of encouragement and understanding when it feels right. Most importantly, when someone is venting, they are not inviting you to fix their problems or offer solutions. This is very tricky for most of us to accept because being in this situation can make us feel uncomfortable. That’s why we have the strong urge to jump into doing something about it, even in our minds—it helps distract us from the discomfort of simply sitting and listening. But that’s what someone who is venting needs most—just an ear. It’s crucial to avoid automatically assuming that someone wants their problems fixed by you. Simply reflect on their feelingsWhen someone is venting, there are two things potentially happening:
So, how do you respond?
We forget that people are allowed to vent, and we are allowed to set a boundary in regards to how much we want to tolerate. So, when someone is venting, figure out how you’re feeling:
Say “I hear you” and actively listenAs a life coach and student services advisor, I speak to many people going through stressful periods in their lives. The best way to ensure they are understood is to say “I hear you” and actively listen. If the vent is aimed at you, it might be tempting to respond with anger and defend your corner after someone has vented their frustration. However, a calm and measured response will always have better results, even if the other person has made personal or professional criticisms. A few moments should be taken to collect your thoughts and process the reasons for the rant. You should not attempt to reason with the other personThe anger would likely have somewhat clouded their judgment. Instead, you need to make it clear that you are listening and ready to help them find a solution. With that being said, you should prioritize your personal safety and be prepared to walk away if you believe there’s a risk of violence. Rachel Mills Self-love and Wellness Blogger, Milsy Girl Try to remember they are not angry at youNeeding to vent is a mental health necessity. It’s a release of some form. Some people need to release their anger or annoyance physically, and others get verbal. The human urge to vent develops from a feeling of being let down. If something has not turned out the way it should, and you feel that another individual or group of individuals is to blame, you will naturally experience:
The display of these emotions can be quite explosive and consist of a barrage of highly charged statements about the people who have let you down. This is usually done in the presence of another person because you want to be heard. You want someone else to understand why they are so angry. You are looking for someone to sympathize with you. Being able to vent and release the stress and anger inside is so important. If you don’ release it, it can build into something much bigger over time. Eventually, the stress and annoyance will come out but maybe more dramatically, which is not a good idea. From the perspective of the person being vented to, it is crucial that you realize that they are not really aiming the explosion at you (unless you are the cause, of course). Usually, you just happened to be in the right place at the right time. You are an ear for them to vent into and release their stress. Having someone speak to you in such a passionate and angry manner can be unsettling, but try to remember they are not mad at you. Don’t take it personally. They just need you to listen and allow them to expel their annoyances. Stay quiet and allow them to finish talkingIn my ten years of extensive customer service experience in Hotel Management and life, when someone is venting, the best thing you can do is stay quiet and allow them to finish talking. Do not be tempted to jump in with comments or advice unless they ask for it. They are already angry and incorrect advice could irritate them more. Generally, they don’t want you to give them answers. They purely want you to listen. Once the explosion of words has ended, they will feel much better and more than likely calm down, which will be the end of it. What do you say when someone vents about work?“It sounds like this is really important to you. I can see that you're upset by it and need someone to talk to. I want to support you, and I would love to be able to give you the time and space that you need to feel heard.
What not to say when someone is venting?Avoid the “it's no big deal” and/or “just don't give it any energy or thought” “brush it off,” responses: Sometimes you might feel someone venting is overacting. ... . Ditch the “you can/you should, try this” responses: Don't talk. ... . Let go of the “at least,” “it could be worse,” based responses:. |