Why is my son so attached to his dad

Second place sounds like a win … until it refers to parenting. It’s fairly common for children to single out one parent and shy away from the other. Sometimes, they even dig their heels in and refuse to let the other parent run the bath, push the stroller, or help with the homework.

Kids form strong attachments to their primary caregivers, and many times, that means that Mommy gets all of the attention, while Daddy feels like the third wheel. Rest easy if you’re the one on the outside looking in — these attachments do change over time — and there are steps you can take to build the attachment.

Warning: Unconditional love and patience required.

How to break the mommy (or daddy) obsession:

Divide the tasks

My husband travels a lot. In his absence, I do absolutely everything to keep these kids healthy and happy and to keep the house running. They think I have superpowers — I call it coffee. Either way, Mommy is in charge 24/7 for months at a time.

To say the least, their attachment to me is strong. But when my husband comes home, we divide the parenting tasks as much as possible. He gets bathtime when he’s home for it, and he reads the chapter book to our 7-year-old when he can. He also takes them to the park and on various other adventures.

Even if your little mommy-lover resists at first, it’s important to hand over some of the parenting tasks to Daddy when possible, particularly the soothing ones that help build a strong attachment. It’s good to share in discipline and limit-setting, as well, so when that rebellious stage hits, one parent isn’t always the bad guy.

It helps to create a schedule. Daddy does the bath and bedtime routine certain nights, and Mommy takes the lead the other nights. Often, children resist the other parent because they fear that they won’t have the same soothing experience that they crave. When the other parent takes over and introduces new, fun ideas, it can really decrease those fears and help your child adjust.

Daddy’s “crazy tubs” are much preferred around this house, that’s for sure.

Leave

It’s hard for the other parent to take over and find the key to making things work when the preferred parent is always standing there. Get out of the house! Run! It’s your chance to take a much-deserved break while daddy (or mommy) figures things out.

Sure, there will be tears at first, and perhaps even a strong-willed protest, but when Daddy the Silly Chef takes over the kitchen and makes breakfast for dinner, the tears are likely to turn to laughter. Let him be. He can handle it.

Make special time a priority

Each parent should set a weekly date with each child. You don’t have to leave the house or plan some great adventure. What your child needs is a weekly (predictable) time with each parent where he or she chooses the activity and enjoys uninterrupted time with each parent.

Parents, shut down those screens and hide your phone in a drawer. Special time means letting the rest of the world fade away while you give 100% of your focus to your child for at least an hour.

Increase family time

We live in a busy world with a lot of responsibilities. It can be hard to fit in regular family time when the demands of work, school, and multiple activities for multiple kids take over.

Just do it. Make family game night a priority on the weekends. Let each child choose a game. Find time for at least one family meal per day, and make sure that all of you are present, both physically and emotionally. (Hint: It doesn’t need to be dinner.)

The more family time your child enjoys, the more your family begins to function well as a unit.

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Love them anyway

The rejection of a child can really sting. Love that child anyway. Pour on the hugs and kisses and declarations of love, and channel every ounce of patience you might have.

When we love our children unconditionally, we show them that we are there for them no matter the circumstances.

The more they internalize the message that Mommy and Daddy are always there, the stronger the attachments they form with each parent become.

The stubbornly uttered phrase of, “Daddy do it, not Mommy!” is familiar to many parents of little ones, and it’s hard not to take it personally. But it’s good to know it’s quite common.

While each situation is unique and dependent on the role of the parents, at some stage toddlers do begin to prefer one parent over the other, and often the father figure takes preference. It’s natural to feel sensitive about this.

Educational psychologist Carol Jamison reiterates that parental preference is not manipulation, but a way of exercising the beginnings of “own choice” as part of the attachment process.

It’s common to hear them demand for dad when it comes to bathing, feeding, putting on shoes or playing. But a few weeks later mom could be back in favour.

Developing attachment

“A baby’s social and emotional development is affected by the quality of their attachment to their caregiver. A baby is initially attached to the mom as she is usually the primary caregiver. However, an attachment with the father figure usually complements the relationship the child has with their mom,” says clinical psychologist Tarryn Kelly.

As a baby moves into the toddler phase, she starts to realise she is a separate individual from her mother, and other caregivers, like the father, then become more interesting. Clinical psychologist Robyn Jacobs explains that this stage is connected to toddlers developing a healthy sense of independence, which sees them asserting choices wherever they can.

“This phase of development is linked to object permanence and separation anxiety (part of the developmental theory of Jean Piaget). While in some ways it does have to do with the developing frontal cortex of the brain, which allows the child to make more connections, the theory and phase are part of social and emotional development. This Daddy Phase is largely a recognition of how some children work through their development,” she says.

Tarryn agrees that there are different phases of attachment and each is related to cognitive and physical development.

“For example, a toddler who has developed confidence and independence has the physical and cognitive capacity to understand that ‘although mom is not with me right now, I know she will return and be there later.’ The level of cognitive and physical development of a toddler allows them to have what we call an internal representation of the attachment figure, which allows them to feel secure enough to explore other relationships,” she says.

Read: Watch: baby wants to be like daddy!

The age and stage

The phase can start as early as six to eight months and continues until around age two – when object permanence is fully established. “Separation anxiety is most common from ten to 18 months. But new research is saying Piaget’s theory underestimates the development of the toddler mind.

Also, phases of favouring one parent over the other come and go throughout the toddler and preschool years. It doesn’t necessarily last the entire time your child is a toddler,” says Robyn.

It’s a completely normal part of growing up and while most common in the toddler stages, favouring one parent over another can happen at other stages of childhood too, depending on the emotional and developmental needs of the child at the time.

Read: When separation anxiety hits

Why this happens

The psychological reasoning behind dad becoming the flavour of the month is a healthy representation that your child is independent, has developed a sense of self and is ready to develop other relationships. “Dad plays a big role in this as he helps the child negotiate her way around separating from mom and gaining this sense of independence.

By choosing dad as the favourite, your child is testing her developing autonomy and control. If parents can manage their own emotions around this (even though it might be very difficult for the excluded parent), it can be a very positive and necessary part of their development and wellbeing,” says Tarryn. 

She explains that traditionally the maternal role is more involved in practical and nurturing aspects, whereas dads add the dimension of play to their child’s world. Fathers engage differently with the child, which can also add an element of fun to the relationship that the child enjoys. This doesn’t mean that it’s easy to deal with from the newly relegated sidelines.

But Carol suggests that if you’re feeling seriously rejected to remember that in actual fact it’s a sign of healthy development, and a good bond between father and child from which healthy relationships can grow, as well as shared roles of parenting.

Read: Do dads matter?

How to cope

• As the excluded parent don’t respond in anger, induce guilt or withdraw. Don’t communicate hurt or disappointment. Remind your toddler that you love them and try to have some one on one time with your child.

• Couples should talk to each other about their feelings so each can be mindful of the situation.

• As the favoured parent encourage the child to engage with the other parent – but don’t be forceful. Share fun tasks with your partner and do your share of routine chores.

• Do things as a family – find new ways of interacting or a non-verbal game that becomes the excluded parent’s thing.

• Try to diffuse potential confrontations with your toddler.

• Assign certain duties to one or the other parent and calmly stick to the routine until the boundaries are established.

• Be aware of your parenting role and try not to reinforce any behaviours of preference. 

Has your child ever chosen daddy over you? How did you remedy the exclusion? Send us your comments and stories to [email protected] We might publish your response, please inbox us should you wish to remain anonymous.

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