As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and growing your 11-year-old child’s/teen’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity. Show
Children age 11 are still in the process of learning about their strong and changing feelings. They do not fully understand the physical and mental takeover that can occur when angry. While striving for more independence, the sense of a lack of control that anger can produce can frighten them adding to the length and intensity of their upset. It might also humiliate them if they are mad in front of respected others like teachers, siblings, friends, or relatives. Learning how to deal with anger without suppressing it or expressing it by hurting others and/or themselves is critical. And, your support and guidance matter greatly. Research confirms that when children/teens learn to tolerate, manage, and express their feelings, it simultaneously strengthens their executive functioning skills. They are better able to use self-control, solve problems, and focus their attention. This directly impacts their school success. However, the opposite is also true. Those children/teens who do not learn to manage their feelings through the guidance and support of caring adults may have attention issues and difficulty in problem solving. Yet, everyone can face challenges in managing anger. Your child/teen may slam the bedroom door as they refuse to tell you what is happening and why they are so upset. Or, you may hear from a teacher that your child/teen has been aggressive or said something hurtful to another student. Anger may cover hurt, humiliation, fear, and stress. It may also mask guilt, shame, grief, or envy. Or, it could be the tip with an iceberg of a submerged mass of frustration. The key to many parenting challenges, like managing anger, is finding ways to communicate so that both your needs and your child’s/teen’s needs are met. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters to prepare you to help your child/teen work through their anger in ways that grow their resilience. Why Anger?Whether it’s your eleven-year-old breaking down in frustration over trying to get math homework accomplished or your thirteen-year-old yelling after not being allowed to attend an unsupervised party, anger and its many accompanying feelings can become regular challenges if you don’t help your child/teen create plans and strategies for dealing with and expressing their anger. Today, in the short term, learning to manage anger can create
Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen
Five Steps for Managing AngerThis five-step process helps you and your child/teen manage anger. It also builds important skills in your child/teen. The same process can be used to address other parenting issues as well (learn more about the process). TipThese steps are done best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush. TipIntentional communication and a healthy parenting relationship support these steps. Step 1. Get Your Child/Teen Thinking by Getting Their InputYou can get your child/teen thinking about ways to manage their anger constructively by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You and your child/teen will also begin to better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to managing their anger so that you both can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen
Actions
TrapBe sure you talk about anger at a calm time when you are not stressed or upset! Step 2. Teach New Skills by Interactive ModelingBecause intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, you may not consider their role and impact on your child/teen. Intense feelings can have a major influence on the day and on your relationship with your child/teen. Learning about what developmental milestones a child/teen is working on can help you better understand what your child/teen is going through and what might be contributing to anger or frustration.
Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your child/teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for when expectations are not met. Actions
TipDeep breathing is not just a nice thing to do. It actually removes the chemical that has flowed over your brain so that you regain access to your creativity, language, and logic versus staying stuck in your primal brain. Practicing deep breathing with your child/teen can offer them a powerful tool to use anytime and anywhere they feel overcome with heated feelings. TrapIf you tell or even command your child/teen to make an apology, how will they ever learn to genuinely apologize with feeling? In fact, apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment since then the control lies with the adult and robs the child/teen of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask your child/teen how they feel they should make up for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea. TrapThough at times it can feel like it, there are no “bad” feelings. All feelings have a positive intention. In fact, every feeling a person has is a vital message quickly interpreting what’s happening around them. Because feelings are merely that – an instant interpretation – you always have the opportunity to reinterpret your circumstances and your response to your feelings. Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop HabitsPractice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a skill with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is not only nice, it’s necessary in order for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen performs the new action. Actions
Step 4. Support Your Child’s/Teen’s Development and SuccessAt this point, you’ve taught your child/teen some new strategies for managing anger so that they understand how to take action. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents naturally offer support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. Actions
Step 5. Recognize Effort and Quality to Foster MotivationNo matter how old your child/teen is, your praise and encouragement are their sweetest reward. If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worth your while to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way to promoting positive behaviors and helping your child/teen manage their feelings. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships — a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. You can recognize your child’s/teen’s efforts with praise, high fives, and hugs. Praise is most effective when you name the specific behavior of which you want to see more. For example, “You took a deep breath when you got frustrated — that is a great idea!” Avoid bribes. A bribe is a promise for a behavior, while praise is special attention after the behavior. While bribes may work in the short term, praise grows lasting motivation for good behavior and effort. For example, instead of saying, “If you go to your chill zone when you are angry, I will let you have 10 extra minutes to watch a show” (which is a bribe), try recognizing the behavior after. “You worked hard to calm yourself down without saying something hurtful. Love seeing that!” Actions
ClosingEngaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent to use on many other issues and builds important skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to become more self-aware, to deepen their social awareness, to exercise their self-management skills, to work on their relationship skills, and to demonstrate and practice responsible decision making. References[] Council on the Developing Child (2004). Children’s Emotional Development Is Built into the Architecture of Their Brains: Working Paper No. 2. http://www.developingchild.net[] Wood, C. (2017). Yardsticks; Child and adolescent development ages 4-14. Turners Falls, MA: Center for Responsive Schools.[] Goleman, D. (1994). Emotional Intelligence; Why it can matter more than IQ. NY, NY: Bantham Books.[] Miller, J.S. (2017). Teaching young children about anger. Thrive Global.[] Halloran, J. (2017). Raising Kids Who Can Cope with Tough Times. Confident Parents, Confident Kids. https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/2017/02/02/raising-kids-who-can-cope-with-tough-times/[] Emmons, M. (2007). Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2020). Anger. Ages 11-14. Retrieved from https://www.ParentingMontana.org.ParentingMontana.org was supported [in part] by CFDA 93.959 and 93.243 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and by the Preschool Development Grant Birth through Five Initiative (PDG B-5), Grant Number 90TP0026-01-00, from the Office of Child Care, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and by the Montana State General Fund. The views and opinions contained do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, or the Montana Department of Health and Human Services, and should not be construed as such. Why is my 11 year old daughter so angry all the time?There are lots of reasons why your child may seem more angry than other children, including: seeing other family members arguing or being angry with each other. friendship problems. being bullied – the Anti-Bullying Alliance has information on bullying.
How do I deal with my 11 year old daughters attitude?How Should I Discipline A Tween for Attitude Problems?. Watch your own tone. Think about how you tend to talk when you're angry or stressed. ... . Use natural consequences. ... . Offer a chance for a “do-over.” Sometimes, preteens don't even realize that they're not using a great tone of voice. ... . Pick your battles.. How can I help my 11 year old with anger?7 Ways to Help a Child Cope With Anger. Teach Your Child About Feelings.. Create an Anger Thermometer.. Develop a Calm-Down Plan.. Cultivate Anger Management Skills.. Don't Give In to Tantrums.. Follow Through With Consequences.. Avoid Violent Media.. Why does my daughter have anger issues?They haven't yet learned skills for solving problems without getting upset. Sometimes anger issues in kids are caused by another problem that needs treatment. This could be ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, sensory processing issues, or autism.
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