Why being friends with an ex is a bad idea

Q: Is it unhealthy to be friends with an ex?

A friendship with an ex can be highly rewarding, but its more than OK not to have a relationship or be in contact with them. Accepting the transience of connection and moving forward on your own path will give you much more peace than holding onto a past flame when there is no longer alignment.

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Remaining friends with an ex might seem like a fine idea. According to the experts, though, your best bet at a happy future includes leaving them out of it.
Is it unhealthy to be friends with an ex?
Is it toxic to be friends with an ex while in a relationship?

Sorry, guys: It’s time to put even more space between you.
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When a relationship is over, it’s hard to imagine your ex disappearing from your life. While you dated, you shared everything. You did tons of things together and he was your best friend. When you break up, your best friend, lover, and boyfriend vanishes.

It’s natural to want to become friends because, if you dated for a while, you obviously have things in common. But, as I’ve learned from past experience, it’s almost impossible. It’s very difficult to move on and focus on the present when the door to the past is still open.

Here are 10 reasons why you should close the door on an ex once the relationship ends.

1. Sex
One of you is going to want to sleep with each other, especially if the sex was great. Sexual tension, mixed with some innocent flirting, almost always leads to sex with an ex. In my experience, it’s always a recipe for disaster.

2. Flirting torture
You’re spending time together “as friends,” but there will always be some subtle flirting. Even if you don’t realize it, because you once dated, it’s hard to turn off the flirting. You might do something that makes him laugh or he might do something that makes you smile. Either way, you’re both bound to take a trip down memory lane which is never a good thing.

3. Sexual tension
It may have felt like years ago, but once upon a time you were obviously attracted to each other. At one point, the sexual tension was there. Your relationship wouldn’t have lasted if there wasn’t. That being said, the sexual tension doesn’t miraculously disappear one day. When you’re friends with someone, you shouldn’t want to jump into bed with them or have any sexual feelings towards them.

4. One of You Just Doesn’t Get It
More often than not, one of you will want the other back. It (hopefully!) won’t be you. Even if you don’t want him back, there’s always a chance that he’ll want you back. There’s a sense of false hope for one of you and that just isn’t healthy!

5. The Naked Factor
You can’t just forget that at one time you’ve seen each other naked and been sexually intimate. Unless you’re professional nudists, BFFs shouldn’t ever see each other naked. It’s also awkward being friends with someone knowing you’ve been intimate

6. You’ll Always Be the Ex
Even if you think of him as just a friend, to him, you’ll always be his ex. When he introduces you to his friends, or his new girlfriend, he’ll preface the introduction with “this is my ex” which puts a damper on the friendship from day one.

7. Boundaries
You can’t talk to your ex about a hot new guy or the one you think is your future husband without making him uncomfortable. Real friends should be able to talk about anything. But your ex most likely doesn’t want to hear about your sexcapades or how you’re imagining walking down the aisle with the new guy you’re dating. You can’t gossip with each other which makes the friendship not so fun. You have to create boundaries so you both feel comfy. In my opinion, boundaries shouldn’t exist in friendships.

8. Deja Vu
Regardless of how long you dated, there are tons of inside jokes and memories that come naturally. When you hang out with your ex, without even realizing it, you’re bound to tell inside jokes and take a trip down memory lane. You’ll fall into your old routine which will be confusing to both of you.

9. Your Own Worst Enemy
When you’re spending time with your ex, you’re getting comfortable. You’re not challenging yourself to meet new people or putting yourself out there to new relationships. You’re being your own worst enemy.

10. The Support factor
When your ex is having some kind of problems, you want to be there to support him. Whether it’s listening to him or giving him advice, it’s natural to want to help him. But, since you’re not dating anymore, it’s not your job to be their support factor.

Remaining friends with an ex might seem like a fine idea. According to the experts, though, your best bet at a happy future includes leaving them out of it.

Think twice before you make that date with your ex.

I have exes who I’m still friends with and exes I’m most certainly not friends with. I can’t say that I sway one way over the other with this issue.

I treasure one of my friend-exes and can’t see my life without him, while another of my friend exes … well, let’s just say if he disappeared from my life forever, I wouldn’t grieve.

I had an ex whom I tried to stay friends with, but when he disrespected—not just me, but all of his former flames—I had to let him go as a friend. Do I still look at his Facebook page? Sure. Not as often as I once did, but he’s part of the circulation when I’m checking in on various people.

Ending a relationship can be extremely difficult and if staying friends with your ex makes it easier, is that really wrong?

“Wanting to be friends keeps you from feeling the full depth of the loss, softening the blow of the breakup,” says Nina Atwood, therapist and author of Temptations of the Single Girl. You might think that it’s a good idea to stay platonic with a former lover, but there are many challenges, such as the feelings of emotional attachment.

Atwood says, “You may feel that this person knows you better than anyone else. Even if you’re not sexually attracted, you may still want the emotional intimacy that you shared.”

And this kind of dependency can make you more vulnerable to getting hurt all over again once your ex finds someone new—and they always find someone new. None of us enjoy the feeling that we’ve been replaced.

The transition from relationship to friendship can have all kinds of hidden dangers that can lead to more pain, according to relationship expert Lindsay Kriger. “Let’s be friends” may sound like a great idea, but it can be a lot harder to pull off in real time.

Kriger says, “What it doesn’t mean is ‘Let’s have a completely platonic relationship in which we ignore the feelings we had for one another, even the ones we still have.'”

OK, so staying real-time friends might not be such a great idea, but there’s probably not a problem staying Facebook friends. Right?

Well, no.

Kriger believes the most important thing to do once a relationship is over is to cut all ties and move on in order to allow yourself the chance to find happiness elsewhere. That means deleting his number, and yes, even blocking him on Facebook.

Juliana Breines, PhD of Psychology Today draws a strong connection between Facebook stalking and increases in jealousy and anxiety.

Ultimately, every situation is specific to each relationship, just like my exes. With some, there’s no problem with staying friends, and others I needed to cut out of my life—and that includes as Facebook friends.

Psychologist Karen Sherman says that a period of separation is critical before rekindling the friendship. It doesn’t have to be long, but it’s important to let the romantic aspects of your connection die down a bit before jumping into something as friends.

That’s all great, but a pint of ice cream is probably your best option here.

Written by Christine Schoenwald

This piece of wisdom was originally published with YourTango; republished with the kindest permission.

Is it unhealthy to be friends with an ex?

A friendship with an ex can be highly rewarding, but it's more than OK not to have a relationship or be in contact with them. Accepting the transience of connection and moving forward on your own path will give you much more peace than holding onto a past flame when there is no longer alignment.

Is it toxic to be friends with an ex while in a relationship?

You must completely let go of your past since talking to an ex while in a relationship is not such a good idea. They shouldn't be plastered all over your phone. It's okay to have them on your social media, but don't interact with them. Don't text each other or like each other's photos.