I wish I never met her Reddit

I met this beautiful girl a few months ago after being single for almost 5 years well actually we were neighbors a year ago but she had a bf back then so I never tried but we met up again one day and we hit it off and things were going great it seemed and I was falling hard for her because she's the only girl that has shown interest in me that wasn't already in a relationship(idc but I refuse to be a homewrecker) I was finally becoming happy but then one day about a month ago she just decided we should stop talking and seeing each other...idk why, she said its because of her but that line is so played out all it did is make me feel like it's because of me. I screwed up somehow but idk how...and now here I am...unable to get her out of my head but also unable to do anything about it because i dont want to be that needy needy guy. this sucks hard. finally met someone I like that I thought liked me and then I get dumped before we even established that we were in a relationship. what is wrong with me?

Update - I just want to say to all of you that I appreciate all your advice and help. I'm new to reddit but I came here like most people because I just wanted to be able to Express my problems as I really have nobody in my life that I can talk to these kinds of things about and I feel like keeping it all in is just poisoning my soul. All of your uplifting words have really impacted me more than I can show! you are all amazing and I appreciate all of you. I will one day be ok and that day is coming sooner because of you. I also truly hope that you all get through whatever battles you are facing too and that I might be able to return the favor one day. THANK YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE!!!!!!😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

I wish that I was put in a different class; I wish that I didn’t sit next to her; I wish that I never started talking to her; I wish I never gained a crush for her; I wish I didn’t ask her to that date; I wish I never fell in love with her; I wish I didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend; I wish I never held her hand; I wish I never kissed her; I wish I never hugged her; I wish I never made love with her; I wish I never made plans for life with her; I wish I didn’t spend those 4 1/2 years with her.

I just wish I never met her.

Ne'er a truer word spoken.

Your cruel device Your blood, like ice One look could kill My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don't touch) I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much) I wanna taste you, but your lips are venomous

Poison Your poison, running through my veins Your poison I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth so hot Your web, I'm caught Your skin so wet Black lace, on sweat

I hear you calling, and it's needles and pins (and pins) I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name Don't wanna touch you, but you're under my skin (deep in) I wanna kiss you, but your lips are venomous

Poison Your poison running through my veins Your poison I don't wanna break these chains

Poison

One look (one look) Could kill (could kill) My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don't touch) I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much) I wanna taste you, but your lips are venomous

Poison Your poison running through my veins Your poison I don't wanna break these chains Poison (poison)

I wanna love you, but I better not touch (don't touch) I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop I wanna kiss you, but I want it too much (too much) I wanna taste you, but your lips are venomous

Poison (yeah) Well, I don't wanna break these chains Poison (poison) Runnin' deep inside my veins

Burnin' deep inside my brain Poison (poison) I don't wanna break these chains (Poison) poison (poison)

in my (F21) freshman year of high school, a female friend kissed me on the cheek while she thought i was sleeping. i tried to say something despite the panic i was feeling. I said her name like it was a question. But after my words broke the silence she stopped and said nothing. i lay there, barely able to get to sleep, until morning. I scrutinized her face that morning, which gave away nothing. I didn't understand what had happened. I had never been kissed before. I didn't consent to being kissed-- i was just laying there. And i didnt understand why. I forgot my shoes at her house, i was so distracted and I desperately wanted to leave. As soon as we pulled away from her house, I started crying in the car. My mom comforted me, but there was something in her comfort that frightened me. She seemed so sure that i wasn't gay, and a lot of her advice was how to avoid this situation (i.e. getting kissed by a girl) in the future. How to avoid leading other girls on, etc. At that time, i had no idea what my own sexuality was. But it hurt in a way i didn't understand.

Fast forward through high school, she is still my best friend. We've never spoken about the sleepover. I've never spent the night at her house again. She is my best friend, but i am not hers. I follow her around like a puppy dog. Some days she is cold and I can't figure out why. Other days she is warm, and her mood makes my day. I wonder if I am bi, but I can't even imagine acting on it. When I am asked out by other girls, I follow my mom's advice and let them down gently. It happened twice, and each time I silently panicked for the rest of the day.

My friend dances around the idea of flirting with me. She leaves me love notes and denies it, saying she left them for everyone. She rests her head on my shoulder on field trips. To this day, I have a hard time with platonic touch because of her. Everything felt loaded, it felt like any day she might ask me out for real. I thought a lot about how I would answer. Then, one day, she starts trying to set me up with guys. She wants to talk about guys all the time. I feel like my head is spinning. I have had crushes on guys (and potentially a few girls) so I try to roll with this new conversation topic. I try not to let my face give anything away.

Finally, in senior year, i get a flirty text from her while I'm at a family reunion. I have to respond (i was religious about responding to her). I don't want to reciprocate the flirtiness. I feel torn up inside and above everything I feel so scared. I end up fleeing to my uncle's bathroom and crying my eyes out. I send her one of the most difficult texts I've ever had to send-- I finally address the elephant in the room. I ask her if she has a crush on me.

She says she used to, but not anymore. I knew in my heart that it was a lie, but it was also exactly what i wanted to hear. We remain friends.

After graduating from high school, I move states. We don't even try to maintain contact. I feel strangely free. I don't know what my sexuality is at that point, though I put "questioning" down on my applications, and I've never had a real relationship.

Now I've been in college for 3 years, and nothing has changed. If I see someone that looks like her, I freeze up and feel a pang in my chest. I've never dated. I think I might be asexual. But I feel like she has made it impossible for me to figure this stuff out like a normal person would. I can't think about dating without panic rising in my throat. I can recognize how toxic our friendship was back then. But I don't think I've healed from it.

Today, I found a love note that I wrote to her and never sent in my phone. It sent me into a spiral of hurt and tears. I'm literally crying while I write this (apologies for the quality of my writing). I can't ask my mom. I don't want to tell all this information to my friends-- it's just too much. Does anyone know how to recover from something like this? How do you figure out your sexuality? How can i tell if I'm ace or just scared of relationships?