I dont want to introduce him to my family

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The idea that ‘meeting the parents’ is a fundamental milestone that couples should be hitting — at the ‘correct’ time, no less — is incessantly perpetuated by popular culture. But is it really one-size-fits-all relationship turning point?

According to what you’ll likely have seen on your fave TV shows, yes. We see the ‘meet the parents moment copy-and-pasted everywhere: Love Island has historically had a dedicated ‘meet the family’ episode, in which contestants sit down with the parents, siblings and friends of their other halves. In the most recent season of Selling Sunset, Jason Oppenheim’s mother tells his (now ex-) girlfriend, Chrishell Stouse: “You’re the first girlfriend I’ve met that’s been serious; I wouldn’t be surprised if you got married,” presumably inferring that one automatically leads to the other. In the recent Conversations with Friends adaptation, Frances’ face lights up in a rare moment of pure, unfiltered happiness when Nick says he’d like to meet her mother.

And the idea that there’s a ‘correct time’ to introduce your other half is socially enshrined, too. Research carried out by Slingo in March of this year found that one in three British people believe the ‘best time’ to introduce your partner to your parents is after three to six months of dating, while 19% think after one month is a better option.

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But isn’t it more subjective than that? Surely, the right time to introduce your partner to your parents depends on the couple — and the parents — in question. Slingo’s research encapsulates a societal way of thinking, which dictates that there are non-optional relationship markers (what polyamorous communities describe as “the relationship escalator”) we should be hitting in order to know we’re in a committed relationship, and that there are set timeframes within which we should be ticking those boxes: as emphasised by the fact that just 2% of Slingo’s respondents said meeting the parents is never a good idea.

“I never want my partner to experience the same kind of abuse that I had to deal with all my life"

Despite what social norms would have you believe, though, having concerns about introducing your partner to your parents may well have nothing to do with a lack of commitment (though, of course, that can sometimes be the case), and everything to do with trying to protect your partner from discomfort or harm.

Natasha*, a bisexual woman who grew up in Hong Kong, has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for the past year. Yet despite social expectations to the contrary, she doesn’t ever plan on introducing her partner to her mother, with whom she no longer speaks: “She is very emotionally manipulative and critical of me and my life,” Natasha explains. “I never want my partner to experience the same kind of abuse that I had to deal with all my life."

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There are added dimensions to this dynamic due to the fact that Natasha and her partner are in an interracial relationship and, try as Natasha has in the past to educate her about racism, her mother holds entrenched anti-Black views which Natasha does not want to subject her partner to.

But why are we, by default, expected to make intros between our partners and our parents – even if we might be subjecting us and our partners to varying degrees of hostility? “[The ‘meet the parents’ milestone] likely has roots in history, when families of origin were vital in giving permission to marry,” says relational psychotherapist Hannah Beckett-Pratt (MBACP). “[Now,] meeting the parents has been labelled by society as a cornerstone of commitment in dating couples, particularly in heterosexual [monogamous relationships]. We often see it in films and TV shows as a sign that the female partner is special, particularly with men who have reputations as non-committal players. I think for this reason it has been taken on as a sign that a woman can relax in knowing that she is loved by her male partner.”

"There is often a sexist trope of a boyfriend meeting a girl’s dad and the dad threatening him"

The problematic elements of the milestone continue. “I think there is often a sexist trope of a boyfriend meeting a girl’s dad and the dad threatening him,” says Natasha. “The way it’s portrayed always makes it seem to me that a woman is not her own person — she is defined by her father or boyfriend — which is gross.”

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And Beckett-Pratt points out that the milestone is a heavily problematic trope when portrayed in pop culture. “Same-sex relationships are rarely mentioned,” she says. “Being aware of such unequal representation in the media can remind us that the perceived value in meeting the parents is heavily skewed by a social label and the true meaning is down to us to determine.”

It’s certainly true that this relationship milestone is played out in media largely between cis-het couples — Love Island being a primary example. It’s comparatively rarer to see instances in which couples in LGBTQIA+ relationships navigate meeting the parents and the possibilities of an unsafe space that these introductions may result in. One exception to this heteronormative trope comes in Season 2 of The Bold Type; when Kat tells her girlfriend, Adena, that she wants her to meet her parents, Adena hesitates. “Are you sure you want me to be there?”, she asks. “I know you’ve never introduced anyone you were dating to your parents before — not to mention a woman.”

"It doesn’t concern me that my girlfriend may not meet my biological parents: my chosen dad is more important to me"

In real life, meeting the parents can be just as tricky for queer people – who may not have the same familial support network their cis-het counterparts do. Naomi, a cis lesbian, has been with her partner, trans lesbian Catie, for three months. She tells me that she may not meet Catie’s parents because they rejected Catie when she transitioned.

“I respect Catie’s position, and understand that it is about mental health and wellbeing and respect,” Naomi says. “Her family is uncomfortable and so it is pointless pushing them into a corner. Catie doesn’t like to spend time around people that don’t respect her, and I am proud that she values herself enough to do that. She has a self-adopted dad who I will meet because he supports Catie and has been there through thick and thin.” Catie, meanwhile, tells me: It doesn’t concern me that my girlfriend may not meet my parents as my ‘dad’ is more important to me and I know she will meet him.”

Difficulties around meeting the parents can stem from other reasons, in addition to potential discomfort or unsafe situations. “[One] relatively common scenario is where there has been some abuse or neglect in childhood and the adult child has chosen to [still] have a relationship with their parent,” says Beckett-Pratt. “This can be very difficult for others to understand and introducing a partner can create emotional labour surrounding explaining and answering questions; that can be very triggering.”

If you’re struggling to know when or if to introduce your partner to your parents for any of the reasons explored in this article, here is some expert advice to keep in mind:

• Remember that there’s no such thing as the ‘right time’: If you want to introduce your partner to your parents, then you absolutely should. Just try not to worry about the ‘right time’. “It’s an illusion that there is a ‘right time’ for anything in relationships; timing is as unique as the people in them,” Beckett-Pratt confirms.
• Communication is your best friend: If you don’t want to introduce your partner to your parents to protect either them or yourself, that does not make you a bad person or your relationship any less committed (though it’s best to try to articulate your concerns about the meeting to your partner if they’re feeling insecure about the situation). As Beckett-Pratt said: “In reality, meeting the parents is just that: meeting someone’s parents. It doesn’t necessarily signify anything more unless your partner makes that explicitly clear.”
• Don’t underestimate the value of a ‘chosen family’ “There is definitely pressure to meet the parents, and an idea that if you haven’t met your partner’s parents, then there’s something wrong with your relationship but contexts are important,” says Natasha. “I think that you choose your family and my partner has met all the most important people in my life already.” Catie, meanwhile, thinks meeting the parents is a milestone, “because it is about introducing your partner to more of your life”; but adds that, “For the LGBTQIA+ community this milestone is often more about chosen family. I have always felt that you can choose your family because they are the loved people in your life who you care about and who support you regardless of labels.”

*Name has been changed

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