Get the Envelope newsletter for exclusive awards season coverage, behind-the-scenes stories from the Envelope podcast and columnist Glenn Whipp’s must-read analysis. Show You may occasionally receive promotional content from the Los Angeles Times. Parents don’t want to admit an ugly truth—that sometimes they don’t like their child. If you feel this way and are scared, it’s okay. Parenting is challenging and often emotional, especially when our kids are defiant, disrespectful, or not who we wanted them to be. We all have expectations for how our kids should grow and behave, and when these expectations aren’t met, it can be very painful. Maybe your child isn’t the person you thought they would be: perhaps they’re not academic or outgoing enough, or perhaps they are negative and like to complain. Instead of feeling upset and guilty, there are ways you can build a healthier relationship with your child and like who they are. Here are some tips. Acknowledge Your FeelingsDon’t push your feelings away because you feel guilty or think it’s wrong to dislike your child. You don’t have to like the emotional truth—you only need to own it. Change can’t begin until you are honest with yourself about how you feel. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling and why?” It’s important to accept the fact that you won’t always like your kids—and they won’t always like you. Identify the Cause of Your FeelingsFind some time to think about the root cause of your feelings. Are there external influences affecting your child’s behavior, such as problems at school? Or is it more to do with your preconceived expectations? Maybe you don’t like your child because they’re so different from you. Or perhaps you don’t like your child because they act out, are defiant and oppositional, and wreak havoc in your home. These are all understandable reasons to feel dislike towards your child. Why would you like someone who treats you poorly? If this is the case, try to remember that it’s the behavior you don’t like, not the child. We can love our children and hate their behavior, but sometimes the two get entangled. If you look closely, you may realize that disliking your child is more about you than them—because it has to do with your reaction to their behavior. Sometimes, as parents, we are triggered by memories of our own childhood, causing feelings of inadequacy, fear, or anxiety. We then project those feelings onto our kids. For example, if you were heavily criticized as a child for not having a stellar report card, perhaps you are hard on your child when they drop below an A average. Be mindful of this, and don’t let it control your parenting. Be on the lookout for other factors that may be contributing to your feelings. For example, your child may be caught between your difficulties with your co-parent. Perhaps your co-parent (or you) aren’t holding your child accountable for their behavior. Manage Your ExpectationsAccept your child for who they are, and you can move toward a better relationship. If your child is different than your expectations, then manage those expectations. Remember, ultimately, the only person you can control is you. Learn to find the space between your child’s action and your reaction. It is here that you can learn to be a calm parent and stay emotionally separate. No matter how your child acts, promise yourself you’ll try to remain calm. Get to Know Your Child BetterMake time to do something fun. Learn what your child’s likes and dislikes and what makes them tick. Try to listen without judging—children are more likely to react negatively when they feel scrutinized. Your child will appreciate the chance to open up and tell you how they’re feeling. Stay positiveTalk to your kids as if you like them, even when saying ‘no’ or giving consequences. Don’t scowl, and speak with a soft tone that gives them the message you care about them. Staying positive can be hard, especially when you’re frustrated and your child has been disrespectful. Still, be as positive as you can when dealing with them because they pick up on any negative feelings quickly and soon internalize them—or rebel against them aggressively. And remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates more than your words do. Focus on what’s right and begin building on what is good. Don’t obsess over the negative or try to change who your child is. You’ll have a better relationship if you try to praise your child and affirm good behavior. Sometimes, as parents, we are too automatic with judgment. Make an effort to watch what you say. Remember: your child needs a coach, not a critic. Finally, bring more playfulness and less seriousness to your interactions. Recognize that your child may have a problem, but it’s your interactions that have led to your feelings of dislike. Try to accept them for who they are and love them without worrying about them so much. Commit to Not CriticizingHere’s a trick that works for me. I get up in the morning, and I say to myself, “Okay, not one criticism can come out of my mouth today.” I make it a very conscious thought and activity. It’s so automatic for some of us to criticize, and half the time, we don’t even know we’re doing it. So make it a conscious effort. Notice when your child does something well. Point out your child’s strengths and describe what you see. For example, you can say: “You looked like you were about to scream at your brother, but I noticed how you pulled yourself together and walked away. How did you do that? That was impressive.” If you can do this, it will help both of you gain an appreciation for one another. When There’s a Personality Clash with Your ChildWhat if your personalities simply clash? Maybe your child is not a friend you would have chosen. Perhaps you’re too different or too similar. Problems start when you carry around a lot of disappointment about somebody and try to change them in some way or another. That’s when the negative cycle begins. Keep in mind that your child is not your friend. Your role as a parent is unique, and you can be friendly without necessarily being a friend. Understanding that you don’t have to be your child’s friend can help you come to terms with who your child is–and accept them. ConclusionBy taking responsibility for your emotions and making an effort, you’re showing your child that you want things to be better. Tell your child: “I know we haven’t always gotten along in the past because I’ve been too hard on you. I apologize and am working on it.” That effort will go a long way with your child. Get calm, accept your child, and help them become the person they’re meant to be. Related Content: Grandma S I hope someday you will write an article entitled, "What to do When You Dislike Your Grandchildren" This was a good article, the comments even better because it makes me realize I'm not alone in my ugly thoughts about my grandkids. My mom was the most amazing grandmother ever, and I hoped that when my own grandkids arrived I'd be like her; loving, endulging, no discipline, laugh and play and send 'em home to mom and dad. That's not the reality. My son and DIL adopted my DIL's 2 nieces and nephew. They had been removed from their home by CPS because of sexual abuse (the oldest grandaughter) abuse, neglect and substance abuse. My son and DIL were only 26 when they took "H" in-she was 12. They weren't even married yet and were really just starting out on their journey together as a couple. a year later they took in H's two younger half siblings, "E" who was 7 and "D" who was 5. Now they are 28 with 3 kids, all with significant emotional trauma, ADHD, autism, abandonement issues, eating disorders, you name it, these kids have it. My DIL cuts her work schedule down to 1 day a week because each child has multiple therapy appointments each week. It's rough from the get-go, but we all have the (incorrect and in hindsight foolish) idea that with enough love, patience, structure and therapy they will improve and there will be some kind of peace and normalacy in the home. I live in California and they live in Colorado. I call often to provide as much love and support as I can from a distance. Two years ago I retired and committed to visiting every 2 months to give hands on help. There is nothing peaceful or normal in the home. The oldest self-harms, has attempted suicide, been hospitalized several times, has run away numerous times, is sexually promiscuous, argumentative, lies, steals, sneaks food, threatens to call CPS, tells school staff she is abused at home. My DIL spent hours and hours convincing insurance to place her in a long-term treatment facility. She was finally admitted and we hoped to see improvement. Insurance ended treatment early-when she came home it didn't take long for the old behaviours to start up. H will be 18 in January. The goal is to get her graduated in December and out of the house as soon as she is 18. E just turned 11 and I see all the signs of ODD-since she already has a diagnosis of ADHD it's not too big of a stretch for her to have ODD as well. She's acting like her older sister, but starting 3 years earlier. She is the most foul mouthed child-uses every curse word there is, defiant, argumentative. Has started throwing and breaking things. When she's in the tantrum cycle she looks and acts like a wild animal-her pupils are dilated and she mentally just not there, but yelling and crying and screaming. She is manipulative and can be so angelic around strangers or when it gets her something, but at home she turns into pure evil. D is 7 and autistic. He's strong and a handful when he gets into a mood. He threatens to kill himself (he's heard this from both girls) and copies what they say. He's a handful at school as well. He goes to ABA therapy everyday but I sometimes wonder if it's helping. At least he's not home during that time to give mom and dad a break. Do I feel like the most dispicable person for truly disliking/hating my grandchildren? Yes I often do. I am fully aware that they have all been through so much and these behaviors come from their traumatic background. How can one possibly dislike/hate someone who has all the emotional baggage? Shouldn't I feel nothing but compassion and patience for them? I used to all the time, and would encourage my son and DIL to look at it differently and to be patient, but as time has gone by and the behaviors have escalated/not improved, and I've spent more time with them I more often feel tremendous resentment and wish my son and DIL had not adopted them. They have a 14 month old baby and I worry that all of the chaos and horrible behavior will affect baby N. This is the ugly and very unflattering truth. I'm not sure how this story ends but I hope and pray my son and DIL and stay strong in their marriage and can manage to find hope and positivity. I have a greater compassion and empathy for anyone dealing with a situation like this. Not liking my grandkids is a hard thing for me to accept. Sadie These comments are incredible. I feel less alone. I thought I had to blame my distaste for motherhood on my zodiac sign...being a Sagittarius..a natural born free-spirit who is far too mutable to be chained to and held down by something...or someone. I had convinced myself that motherhood just wasn't for me and that I am simply facing the consequences of my actions, as negative as that sounds. I'm 23, and my daughter will be 4 in 2 weeks. I've been homeschooling her in Kindergarten workbooks for a like a month now. The time we spend in the books keeps getting shorter and shorter, to the point where I don't even bother with it anymore, even when she asks. She's incredibly smart, but incredibly manipulative and it drains me until I'm completely shriveled up with nothing left to give. She is defiant. Doesn't listen. Tells me she hates me. (Don't even know where she heard that). Screams bloody murder over everything. (Which is a frequency of sound that absolutely irks my entire soul). She a quitter. Gives up on everything she tries. Has angry outbursts when she feels like she can't do something or do it right. She'll scream. Throw everything that's in front of her. Break stuff. Rip her pages. Whatever we're doing she'll completely ruin it. She sucks the life force out of me. She's entirely the opposite of me. And who I was when I was her age. My dad says she's exactly like he was. That's great, dad. Glad you can relate. Yet he won't lift a finger to help..lol. I can't help thinking I caused this. I'm incredibly introspective and can't keep from blaming myself and trying to find links between her current behavior and what kind of a parent I was in the beginning. Postpartum hit me really hard. At about 8-9 months in. When she started screaming blood curdling screams all the time over little things. It was just a level of loudness and disruption that I was not built to respond to well...given that my father was..and IS..a yeller. I began to scream back. Cry even. Beg her to shut the fuck up. Obviously as a baby she doesn't know what else to do. But neither did I. I would scream back at her with some of the nastiest sounds I could create. Especially early in the mornings when she was back in her carseat and I was driving her to the babysitter and literally could do nothing for her until we got to where we were. I'm tired and cranky too. Things got better for awhile after postpartum passed. I'd say it lasted a few months for me. Until I started working more and had enough time away from her to actually miss her and want to be around her again. But here I am. A few years later, in the same position again, just slightly different. To improve the situation, I've decided to re-enroll Brailynn in daycare, gymnastics, and taekwondo. As well as have a weekly family get together with my closest cousins and their children who are Brailynns same age. To give us all a break, a safe and non-judgemental place to vent, and it gives our kids an emotional reset and tires them the hell out. Gives us something to look forward to every week. And builds that support system that we all need desperately right now and don't fucking have. Hope this helps or speaks to someone. I'd love to meet some of you. Thanks for reading.
I'm EXHAUSTED Just about had it Rebecca Noni I recently (8 mo.) became the caretaker for my 6 year old nephew, and his sister. His sister and I get along, but the boy grates on my nerves and drives me crazy. I always thought that if I had kids I would want a boy, so it's not that. It's that he's rude and entitled, doesn't listen even a little, and has several incredibly annoying personal behaviors and habits. When I expect something of him, be it a one time request or a general rule, like no running in the house, I have to tell him over and over and over, and it never sinks in. I don't believe in spanking, but his reaction to time-outs or losing privileges is a shrug and a couldn't-care-less expression - and then he's right back to doing what he's not supposed to be doing. I've tried sitting down and explaining to him why we have this rule, or why that behavior isn't okay, but I can tell from the look on his face he's tuning me out and just waiting for me to stop talking so he can go do his own thing again. The *ONLY* thing that seems to get a reaction of out him is having to go to bed early - but then he has full blown melt down tantrum as if I'd tried to murder him. I thought he might tire himself out if I left the room, but I came back to find him out of bed, so I had to sit there and wait and try not to validate the tantrum and he can last 45 minutes to TWO HOURS. I stuck it out, and tried to talk to him the next morning about it. I asked him if he knew what he did was wrong. He did. I asked him, when you do something you're not supposed to do, do you get in trouble? Yeah. Okay, did I warn you that you were going to get in trouble? Yes. Did I tell you what would happen? Yes. And you did it anyway, right? So do you think it was wrong that you got in trouble? No. That's right. Yet I'm still having to tell him every couple of hours not to do the same damn thing - and I can't do a 45-120 minute tantrum on a regular basis. It's a punishment for me too. I've done it, I'm sticking with it, but it makes me DISLIKE HIM. I don't want to spend quality time with him because I don't LIKE him, and I feel terrible about it. I realize that I need to build a relationship with him, because not doing so is harmful to his emotional development and it certainly won't help the disciplinary aspect, but my gut reaction to him is to avoid him like I would an adult who is an annoying ass. I don't know what to do. sad mom Trapped Don't like mine and there is no salvaging it.
Noni Exactly! My nephew is so sneaky and dishonest. He wants to do what he wants to do, rules and restrictions be damned. For example, his teacher called and said he's only going through the motions and not engaging at school so he's going to be 7 in a few months and can't read or even consistently write his own name. I had already been concerned with the low quality crap tv/youtube he liked and after hearing that, they were banned from the house. I've caught him under the couch so he can watch them on an old phone, using the wifi. Likewise, he lost his Nintendo DS (grounded) at one point, and I had to run an errand with his grandma watching him. I forgot my face mask and had to go back in the house to get it, and I ran into him, walking out of my bedroom, DS in hand. He hadn't even waited for my car to be gone before he'd gone in my room to take back his electronic and play with it while I wasn't around. I was shocked. I couldn't believe him. I never would have dared do something like that. It just wasn't something I could even begin to imagine I'd get away with when I was his age. Disappointed in myself... I just need to get this out there. I hate myself over this. I just don't like my son. We dont have a bad relationship, hes s good kid. Hes smart and well behaved I just don't like him and it's not even his fault. Being around him is physically and emotionally draining for me. This kills me because I try every day not to dislike him. I play with him and I talk to him. He's a good kid but I genuinely get depressed when I have to spend a lot of time with him. And the thing is I know how awful it is to have a parent not like you. My mother doesn't like me. But I can't fix how I feel and I feel like a failure because of it...
Trying very hard I agree and think this article is wonderful. The only question I have is - if you've truly addressed the questions in your article and applied as much as you can (no one is perfect yet I am a calm, loving, fun, and follow through always type mother) and I truly loathe my amazingly awesome and almost unbearable 4.5 son. He is oozing with charisma but is extremely oppositional, thrives on negative attention, and causes negative drama whenever he can. The more loving time we give him, the more he needs - no matter what it is not enough. Nothing I do, seems to change his responses to things. I accept that he may be a negative person and not my cup of tea, and truly try to love him no matter what, but I definitely understand when people that say they would not be friends with their child unless they were family. I feel that way and I don't judge myself for that. So my last question is - am I destined for a life with this negative tyrant and how do I minimize his domination over my entire family - me, husband, two sisters? I feel like he is being sent to his room for bad behavior about 50 times a day. Side note - I have two 18 month old twins and a nanny and I'm a stay at home mom. I plan special dates with my son, pick him up from school, play dates. I am truly emotionally available to him. Lack of time is not his issue.
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