Alas, it seems that the one thing you and Tracey seem to share in common is that you are both tired. You are tired of reaching out and being rejected by Tracey, and I suspect Tracey is tired of you reaching out when she has been clear from day one that she does not want to have any kind of a close relationship with you. She says it is “nothing personal,” and although this may be true for her, this is very personal and hurtful for you. You say Tracey has always called the shots, and apparently this is the relationship that works for Tom and Tracey; otherwise it would be different. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you: it means he defers to her. He has done so in the past, and he will probably continue to do so in the future. For whatever reasons, she wants to keep you at arm’s length and Tom chooses not challenge her on this. This is an unexplained reality she’s set out for you, one which you experience as cold and unkind, made even more difficult because Tom seems to find it acceptable. Your son has, in effect, sided with his wife on this. You have your ideas about how a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should interact with each other. However, I think Tracey is right: different families do things differently, and she and Tom get to say how things are going to be in their family. As long as you hold onto your idea that she should do things with you, e.g., such as how to spend Mother’s Day with you, go shopping and have lunch, etcetera, you will be hurt and disappointed. I think you will find some peace of mind if you stop reaching out to her in personal ways. Be cordial and pleasant when you need to interact with her, both personally and professionally, but I suggest that you need to disengage from her emotionally and just be all business with her. It’s what she wants, and it’s the best you’re going to get from a relationship with her. As difficult as this is to accept, you probably won’t ever have the kind of daughter-in-law – mother-in-law relationship with her that you seek. She’s either incapable and/or unwilling to give you affection and closeness. This doesn’t mean you aren’t deserving of them; rather, it means she cannot or will not try to make them part of the relationship between the two of you. For whatever reasons, a long time ago Tracey chose not to be warm and welcoming to either you or your other son when he was alive. I repeat myself: it seems this was and continues to be okay with Tom. In the past he may have tried to get Tracey to behave differently toward you, but that’s neither here nor there. I suggest that your current focus needs to be on accepting invitations to spend whatever time possible with Tom and to have a good time together. During these times you have with Tom alone, tell him you hope Tracey is doing well and then just enjoy your special time with Tom. Look at these Tracey-free times as a gift! As for Tom, I suggest you believe him and thank him when he writes or says he loves you. Say Yes! to his last-minute invitations. Remind yourself that he is doing the best he can and trying to do the right thing by you, his wife, and his stepmom. I don’t envy him the tight rope he walks! It sounds like you are by nature a loving and supportive person, and I think Tom needs as much of both as you can give him. Looking downstream a bit, all the hurt you feel and all of your attempts to accommodate Tracey may have payback if they decide to have children. By abiding by Tracey’s “relationship rules” now, this may keep you in good-enough stead so you can be part of your grandchildren’s lives. Loving and close grandmother-grandchildren relationships can compensate for a lot of hurt and disappointment. Update: Four Weeks Later
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How do you deal with an impossible daughterHow to improve your relationship with your hard-to-handle daughter-in-law. Recognize her role in your family. ... . Never compare children. ... . Heal rifts quickly. ... . Be a pleasant force in her life. ... . Accept her unconditionally. ... . Problem-solve difficulties. ... . Keep the door open. ... . Avoid any hint of criticism.. Why are daughter in laws so difficult?“The difficult daughter-in-law may come from a family that was not affectionate, and, if her husband's family is more demonstrative, she may feel uncomfortable with their intimacy. Then, too, as she is expected to work, run a household, and be a perfect mother to her children, she may just be plain overwhelmed.
What should I not say to my daughterHere are five things a daughter-in-law should never say to her mother-in-law.. “You know squat about parenting today!” ... . “I won't let you see the kids again!” ... . “You do more for THEIR kids than ours!” ... . “You're too selfish to be any help!” ... . “You're my model for how NOT to parent! ... . Why It Matters.. |