Learn how to maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by living authentically, knowing yourself, avoiding people-pleasing, and building self-esteem.
Losing your sense of self
Do you seem to get swallowed up in relationships? Does your sense of self disappear when you’re in a relationship?
This “loss of self” happens, whether you’ve been married for decades or are newly dating, when the other person or relationship becomes your identity.
You become all about the other person. Your needs get sidelined while the other person’s needs and interests take center stage. You’re busy people-pleasing, trying to make him/her happy (regardless of your own feelings), and are reluctant to speak up about what you want or need.
So, you focus on your partner and don’t stay true to yourself.
You stop pursuing your hobbies, seeing your friends and family, and you defer to what s/he wants.
Dependency is healthy; codependency is not
Instead of being “Mary”, your identity becomes “Mary, Jim’s girlfriend” or simply “Jim’s girlfriend”. This feels good, especially during the intensity of the beginning of a relationship.
In fact, this obsessive quality is quite common in the early stages of newfound love. It’s not healthy, however, when it’s one-sided; when your partner isn’t equally interested in giving and pleasing you.
You may feel you’ve willingly made these compromises. Or you may not have even noticed that you were giving up parts of yourself.
This has probably been a pattern that’s been repeated in relationships your entire life and you may not have had a strong sense of yourself, to begin with.
Or your loss of self may be related to your partner’s jealousy or manipulation. In other words, you feel pressured to give up parts of yourself and fear that your partner will leave or reject you if you aren’t the perfect partner.
These can all be signs of codependency.
You can maintain a strong sense of self in relationships by:
- Knowing what you like and what matters to you
- Asking for what you want, rather than always deferring to his/her wants
- Spending time with your own friends and family
- Pursuing your goals
- Staying true to your values
- Making time for your hobbies and interests
- Saying “no” when something really doesn’t work or feel good to you
- Spending time by yourself
- Not keeping yourself “small” or hidden to please others
Why you need a strong sense of self
What do you imagine will happen if you keep yourself hidden in your relationships? Will your resentments grow and fester? Will this be a satisfying relationship long-term? Will you miss out on achieving your goals? Will your health suffer? Will your friends and family miss you? Will the world be deprived of your unique gifts?
Inter-dependence or healthy dependence involves two complete individuals who come together to support each other. From this inter-dependency, you develop trust and safety that helps you navigate the world, but you’re not reliant on the other person or the relationship for your identity or self-worth.
In secure relationships, partners support each other in pursuing their own interests and other friendships. They aren’t jealous or demanding. Couples need time together and time apart. In other words, loving, trusting relationships are important, but they needn’t overshadow YOU.
Learn more about how to have a strong sense of self:
- 26 Questions to Help You Know Yourself Better
- Self-Abandonment: What It Is and How to Stop
- What is a Healthy Relationship?
©2018 Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Originally published on PsychCentral.com.
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Sharon Martin
Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist, writer, speaker, and media contributor on emotional health and relationships. She specializes in helping people uncover their inherent worth and learn to accept themselves -- imperfections and all! Sharon writes a popular blog called Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today and is the author of The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism: Evidence-Based Skills to Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism, Build Self-Esteem, and Find Balance and The Better Boundaries Workbook.