It sounds as though you are going through a really challenging time as a parent and I can understand why you are feeling lost and upset. I really feel for you.
Your son sounds like an incredibly brave person experiencing some really complex changes in his life. Your post doesn’t say how old your son is but I’m assuming a teen. He clearly needs your love and support.
I am also a parent (certainly no expert) trying my best, just like you. For what it’s worth, here’s my take on the situation…
I think you need to accept that your son doesn’t feel he has had your support over the past year—despite your best intentions or whether he’s right or wrong about this. None of this really matters. What matters is how he feels.
He is now seeking time and space and I think you should consider respecting his wishes. I say this because if you are going to reset the relationship in future you need to demonstrate your understanding of his needs and your willingness to listen.
But you don’t just walk away. You send a text message, card or leave a voice message every so often to remind him that you love him and to show you are still there and willing to wait until he is ready to engage. No pressure from you for him to engage or respond.
You need to be prepared to be ignored. It’s going to cut. It’s going to be frustrating. It’s going to sting. But he is a hurt child and as the adult I believe you need to take the higher road.
In the meantime, I would seek professional advice from a therapist who understands F2M transition. There’s no doubt you love your son but seeking expert advice may help you to develop greater empathy and understanding for his situation. It may help you to formulate a strategy for re-engagement. It may also help you to see things more clearly from his perspective.
Like I said earlier, I’m no parenting expert. But I do know for certain that there is no more important relationship in life than the one between a parent and a child. It takes work, love and patience and there are always ups and downs. But with goodwill and intention on both sides there is always hope to get through the rough patches. You hang in there.
Dads, do you struggle sometimes? Who do you reach out to for help? Debbie Pattison, a qualified counsellor at Fegans can answer your questions. Send them in to Ask Debbie at info@dad.info and if she can she will answer. Today’s question is about problems in a Dad’s relationship with his daughter.
I am a dad with a 9-year-old daughter with who I tried to have a good relationship, but she doesn’t allow me to, she doesn’t want to see me because her mum is filling her with lies about me. I am starting to feel that I don’t care if I see her or not anymore and I don’t want to feel that way. What else should I do to fix our relationship?
Separated Dad
Dear Worried Dad,
Firstly, I really feel for you. Separation isn’t easy on anyone and it is very sad when children are caught up in the middle of it all. Secondly, I can see you clearly love your daughter very much and want to ‘fix’ your relationship with her. Therefore I am wondering if family mediation is an option here? Or is there a family member who would be able to help mediate with you and your daughter?
Write a Letter
Thirdly, a letter to your daughter may help, whereby you can tell her how much you love her, miss her, and would love to spend some time with her. Most importantly, I would refrain from any form of attack towards her mother or trying to dispel the lies told against you in the letter. Your daughter may already be feeling confused, hurt, or angry by what she has heard from her Mother.
Maybe you could suggest some fun things that you could do together?
Keep Communicating
Above all keep communication going, even if you don’t get a reply or get knocked back. By showing your daughter that you love her, just want to see her and you aren’t going to give up, time may help here.
I am also wondering if counselling would help here. To offer you a safe, confidential, empathic, non-judgemental place to explore your feelings and to be supported whilst you explore your options here to regain a relationship with your daughter.
All best wishes, Debbie
About Debbie
Debbie is an experienced counsellor and advocate for children and adult’s mental health.
Find out more about online counselling with Fegans
Our counselling sessions cost £48 (they are therapy not legal advice, for divorce and separation support please use our forum). If you would like to find our more information about our online counselling, provided by experienced and qualified counsellors leave your details below and Debbie will be in touch for an informal chat to talk through the process and the costs. We work with young people (aged 10 and over) and parents.