As far as I was concerned, this condo was a perfect fit for me, a single freelancer who works from home. I first saw the space in August, and instantly fell in love with the private balcony off the third-floor room that would become my office. By the time the deal closed in October, it was too chilly to make use of the alfresco part of my workspace, but what’s a few months? I nested hard indoors and created a home office I loved.
After a long winter, though, I was thrilled to fling open my windows and balcony doors for some fresh spring air. Then I discovered that my downstairs neighbors, who had moved in the same day I did, were just as thrilled…to move their previously private pot habit to their own outdoor patio—morning, noon, and night.
Where I live, medicinal marijuana is legal, so it was only fair to assume that what these guys were smoking was medicinal. I didn’t mean to judge. I do, however, mean it when I say that I can’t work in a skunky haze of fumes, even if the smoker has a legit need to smoke it. It’s not just about the pot—I’d feel the same about incessant cigarette smoke. As most nonsmokers know, it’s hard to appreciate someone else’s smoking habit.
That’s how I found myself spending the first few weeks of spring tackling what became my most challenging home-improvement project to date: getting my neighbors' smoke out of my home. Turns out, it’s far more complicated than a few scented candles. Here’s what I learned, with letter grades assigned to denote effectiveness.
Ignore the internet
The web is full of advice. Most of it is bad. The single most popular suggestion for battling smoke is an air purifier, which, according to the internet, is both super expensive and questionably effective. Why fork over $600 for "might work?" I just bought a condo; I didn’t exactly have a ton of cash to spare. There are also endless discussion forums about condo rules and their enforceability (it varies), but the procedures all start with telling your neighbors that you feel aggrieved. Some articles suggested that I confront my neighbors in person, while others insisted I must write a letter. None of them had happy endings, though—so why should I risk that, either? I decided to try other things first.
Grade: C
Fight fire with fire
Spring may be for lovers (and stoners), but it’s also for mosquitoes. I figured a few citronella candles strewn around my balcony could do double duty. I got a little carried away at the dollar store, though, so it ended up looking like I was having a séance. The most successful part of this attempt was simply not setting my notebook on fire. The pot fumes still floated by. This time, they mixed with the citronella scent, which confused both me and the mosquitoes. Effective-ish.
Grade: B
Blow the house down
One afternoon, when I had the windows open, I got to thinking about airflow. I opened my balcony door and placed a square window fan facing outward, so that it would draw air from inside the house and blow it out. Then I set myself up outside. The results were impressive. The air under my nose—smoke-free air from indoors—kept moving. I could still catch the occasional noxious whiff, but it no longer felt like I was smoking the stuff myself. Downside: The combination of fan noise and outside traffic gave my balcony the ambience of an airport runway.
Grade: A-
Play with karma
I play ice hockey all year round (I’m Canadian, and it’s a great workout). As summer arrived and the heat rose, airing out my sweaty gear inside the house became pretty gross. But: Did you know that one of the best ways to get the odor out of sports equipment is to let it dry on a sunny condo balcony? ’Tis true! And so, after each game, I started leaving my gear outside for a few hours, just a few feet above Smoke Central. I can’t say how effective that was in making the stoner smell go away, but I certainly limited my time out there, which limited how much I had to smell it.
And wouldn’t you know? My neighbors moved out soon after. They’ve since been replaced by lovely people with a mild cigarette habit that’s almost quaint in comparison. Perhaps they’d say the same about my hockey habit.
Grade: A (scaled, for sure)
Take the guy's advice and move out. But to get a measure of revenge in you might try the following... (This is breaking the law so I am only mentioning that this is something that is possible to do, not advocating your doing it). THIS IS MEAN. Go to the supermarket or tobacco shop and get every magazine subscription label you can out of every dumbass topic.
Don't be picky, just get them all: gay, sex fetishes, hunting, Car & track, NHL, NASCAR, WWF, Madamoiselle, Cosmo, Science crap, Quilting, EVERY god-damned obnoxious magazine you find, like 200-300 of them. Fill them all out with your neighbor's address and name. Then check the "Bill Me Later" box and drop them all in the mail in separate mail boxes (they have a "no postage necessary" box so it won't cost you a dime). Use about ten for each mail box and go to many aorund the area or the postmaster might get suspicious.
They will get 300 mags like clockwork, have to cancel all of them, and get hounded (by mail and by phone) for payments by the inept, hacked off magazine staff who think a customer bailed out on an order. The choking, smoking neighbors won't get a moment's peace for months.
Know that this is mail fraud so don't get caught.